Dumbledore's Halloweeny AngstOff
by The Kerl
Summary: We all know how Edward and Harry are full of teen angst, but who is worse? Carlisle and Dumbledore are about to find out. AU for obvious reasons, canon pairings, and a few un-dead characters because I said so.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Thanks to Patrician and sis for helping to get this story going.  
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**As much as I would LOVE to take credit for everything in this story (in which many things are referenced for the sake of references), I can only lay claim to the CCC, Sucker Balls, history of the Jackalope, and the Teletubbies conspiracy theory. I am convinced that I am right about that. Also, I was first introduced to Michael Welch as a cloned Richard Dean Anderson, so that's why I randomly put Mike and MacGyver in here.**

**Also also, I did go to Scotland once, but let's just say that I was fine **_**not**_** knowing what they wear under their kilts… **_**shudder**_**.

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**Chapter 1 – The Donning of the Dennis of Doom**

**BELLA**

It was Halloween. Normally the only thing I recognized about the silly day was that Renee always kept a good stock of candy in the house – typically there was a bowl of it on any flat surface. Sure, she'd taken me out for Trick-or-Treat (who's mom hasn't?), but those few occasions were more about her showing off her less than mediocre sewing skills than anything else. I could clearly remember the year she'd dressed me as a pumpkin and people asked my mother who we liked better: Michael Jordan or Shaquille O'Neal.

Yeah.

It had been my intention to bypass the embarrassment altogether this year, but then Rose played the guilt card. "Really, Bella, last year we skipped it because we had other things to worry about, but Nessie needs this _human_ experience more than you." I'd relented on the terms that Edward and I were able to veto costume choices we felt were inappropriate. The fact that Alice had been locked in her room all day working on an idea that Edward wouldn't fill me in on had me worried as it was.

Jacob and Nessie were curled up on the floor watching _The Flintstones_ as we all congregated in the Cullen family room. Jake looked up at Edward and I as we slid behind the two of them to sit on the loveseat. He was obviously delighted to be spending time with his favorite playmate. Rose smirked when she caught sight of the four of us.

"How quaint you all look. Mother and Father reclining on the sofa with the children at your feet, playing with the dog."

"Remember I'm a guard dog and I bite, Blondie." Edward clasped my hand in his as he bit back his laughter. By now conversations between Rose and Jake were more friendly banter than open hostility…but that's not to say they didn't have their moments. Emmett plopped down beside his wife as Jasper stretched his length out in the recliner, leaving Carlisle and Esme the ottoman. Nessie was laughing at the television as Dino wrapped his leash around Fred, sending him crashing to the ground. Jake scooped her up and set her on his lap, bouncing her gently. Although she was probably too big for that now (she was about the size of a 4 year-old) he did it anyway because it made her happy.

Edward looked up towards the stairs a moment before Alice gracefully slid down the banister. Watching her made me think that maybe I might try that, now that I was less breakable and more in control of my facilities. She clutched a battered hat in her hand protectively as she perched herself daintily upon Jasper's lap. Recognizing some unknown torment I had missed, the entire room groaned. Nessie turned her quizzical gaze to me but I merely shrugged and poked Edward by means of gaining an explanation.

He lowered his eyes to meet mine and pointed, whispering in a hushed voice, "It's _the_ _hat_."

Emmett was protesting immediately. "Alice, this isn't fair and you know it. You already know what you're going to be, don't you?' She shook her head and everyone spoke out at once.

"Alice, this really isn't necessary – "

"I've been researching costumes online _all day_ and if you think – "

"I thought we agreed to chuck that old thing?"

"Darling, I don't think that this is what we had in mind – "

"How could I throw out _Dennis_? After all we've been through together…" trilled Alice. So the hat's name was Dennis. Completely normal. _For Alice. _The next moment she was on her feet, demanding our attention. "Hey! I promise it won't be bad this time…Alright, fine Edward, I don't know what's going to happen. But that's not really my fault, is it?" Jake met her glower with a cheeky grin. "I mean, if anything is unfair about this game it's that _you_ always know what everyone's written."

"Be that as it may, my daughter is going to be involved this year and if you think I'm going to let you get away with what happened the last time I – "

"Now, now, Papa Smurf. Calm down before you turn blue. I've decided that some ground rules need to be implemented this year."

"Yes," came the collective response. The Cullens all seemed to be squirming in their seats. _Of course – a room full of mythical creatures and _Alice_ is the one everyone is frightened of_.

"Alright. First thing's first. We need to – " Jake raised his hand in the air, affecting the best schoolboy manner he could. "Yes, Jacob?"

"Uh, anyone care to clue me in on this? I'm sorta new to the whole Halloween-with-the-vamps thing, after all." I eyed Alice, eager for an explanation as well. How could a _hat_ bring so much dread to a room full of vampires?

She nodded her head and began, what she felt, was a very exciting retelling of a shopping spree in '62. "And I found him on a clearance rack. Dennis has been with me ever since," She ended, holding the old, ugly, worn scrap of felted material up proudly, practically begging for applause. All she received was another round of moaning.

"What's so special about it, Aunt Alice?" Fred and Wilma's antics long forgotten, Nessie's attention was fixed on Alice. She hated to be out of the loop about as much as her parents. _Huh, go figure._

"I'll tell you. Dennis is a magical hat. Whenever I'm in a fashion crisis, I place all of my ideas into this hat and draw one out. The idea that I draw out is the one I go with…at least it is 78.6% of the time." _Oh no._ I tightened my hold on Edward's hand and lowered my mental block.

_Is this what I think it is? Please, for the love of all that is sacred, say no._

Without meeting my eyes a slight grimace crossed his features and he nodded imperceptibly. _Oh no._

Alice finally took notice of how depressed everyone in the room seemed. "I don't know what you all are complaining about. I _said_ that I made some changes to the rules, didn't I?" We all nodded. "So usually we all right down an idea and draw them from Dennis, right?"

"No. Usually _you_ write down a bunch of _your_ ideas and then we draw. That's how Esme ended up being the Jolly Green Giant," explained Rose.

Esme hid her face in her hands. "I thought we'd all agreed not to bring that up…ever." Carlisle stroked her back, grinning despite himself. I raised my eyebrow, but Jasper shook his head to tell me that I was better off not knowing.

"OK, I admit it. That wasn't one of my better ideas."

"What about Michael Jackson?" added Rose. Jacob laughed and Edward kicked him in the backside.

"Hey!" he shouted, but his hurt quickly faded into a knowing smirk. "You had to dress up as the creep, didn't you."

"Now you can't make fun of one of the greatest performers of all time."

"Or pervs," added Emmett.

"Edward, was this before or after the skin problem? I mean, I can sort of see a resemblance between the two of you if he was white at the time, but – "

He clamped a hand over my face to shut me up. "Alright. Fine. What about when Rose was Captain Ahab?"

"Or Joan of Arc? I'd never even heard of her! How was I supposed to know that she was _burnt alive_?" She clearly hadn't forgiven Alice for that.

"Princess Diana?" suggested Jasper.

"What? You think I knew about the motorcade?" Silence. "Alright. I admit it – I did know – but it would've been inappropriate for someone to go as her the next year and that dress was per– "

"And JFK?" asked Carlisle intently.

"I swear upon all of the shoes in my closet that I had no clue about _that_. You can't blame that one on me."

"Alice, I was thinking of playing hide-and-seek later. Do you know of any grassy noles I can hide behind?" laughed Emmett.

Hearing our daughter's confused thoughts brought back Edward's paternal instincts, meaning he was willing to stop the Alice roast in favor of calming everyone down. He coughed loudly to make himself heard over the din. Everyone looked at him accusingly, like he'd run off with their favorite teddy bear. "Alice," he said as he turned towards her expectant face. "You said that you'd made some alterations to the game?"

She smiled brightly and returned to her perch upon Jasper's lap. "Thank you Edward. Now I've already taken the liberty of writing – " she glared at us until the groans subsided, " – some categoriess down." She pulled a thin strip of paper out of her 'Magic Hat'. It read, CARTOON**. **"So we're each going to draw a piece and write down an idea under the category. We put the ideas back into Dennis and each person draws one. I have an extra set that will be blank. If you draw one of those then you have to pair up with whoever has your match. Happy?"

"I don't get it." I only said it for Nessie's benefit. I think.

"Bella…It's so simple! Say I draw out a slip that says SPONGEBOB, and Jasper draws a slip that only says CARTOON. Since mine is part of the cartoon category, we have to pair up our costumes and we'd both go as characters from _Spongebob Squarepants_. Get it?"

"Yeah, that makes more sense," although I was still reluctant to hand my wardrobe decision over to anyone in the family. Especially Edward. He chuckled to himself. My narrowed eyes met his and I realized that I'd left my shield down. _You heard that, didn't you?_ He waggled his perfect brow as I ripped my hand away from his, which was creeping its way up my thigh before I slapped him.

Alice clapped herself in the head before adding, "Oh, I forgot. You have to design your costume yourself. You can buy new clothes, but no buying one of those tacky store outfits. Ugh. And because we have some _new_ participants this year, nothing vulgar. Right, Emmett?" Rose shot him a glare and he traced a very elaborate X over his heart, eyes wide open. "Bella, you get to help Nessie with her costume decision, but I'm afraid I can't allow you to make it because that would be cheating."

"No, you just don't want me to show off my skills with a sewing machine." Everyone snickered as they recalled the particularly hideous jumper I'd attempted to make last spring. I clearly inherited my mother's design skills.

"Yes. You're right. Now, shall we get ready? I have pens…and Edward, I'm sorry, but you have to go first." Her grin could land planes, it was so big. She presented him with a pen and held the hat out for him to draw from. He frowned, grabbed at the pen and dug his hand into the mass of papers. His frown deepened as he scribbled something down quickly and promptly sat on it. Alice's smile grew larger as she flitted about to the rest of us with her pens and hat. Since I was responsible for assisting Nessie, I pulled her onto my lap as Alice made her way back to us.

Emmett chuckled maniacally at some thought that Edward didn't find amusing at all. Nessie slipped her tiny hand into the hat before I fished for my own paper. I hid mine in my pocket without so much as looking at it while the words TV SHOW flashed before my face. She held my hand, silently asking what I thought about her writing _The Office_. I don't know why we let her watch it, but she loved it. Edward shifted and danced his eyes back and forth in his head in a manner that clearly meant no. I raised my eyebrow and he nodded down toward our feet. Jacob was doubled over on his knees, guarding his paper with his arms as he wrote. _Jacob's apparently got something pretty good up his…well he's not wearing a shirt so I can't sleeve._ Suddenly Nessie was bouncing in my lap. She turned around to face me and slapped her hand to my cheek.

_We were all sitting in the living room, hunched over our tiny strips of paper. Her attention focused on the TV, currently advertising a boxed collection of _Teletubbies_ episodes. Tinky Winky was waving towards an inattentive audience._ Edward coughed loudly, trying to mask his laughter. I gave Nessie a thumbs up sign and she neatly wrote down her suggestion. As I watched I realized that her handwriting was neater than mine. _When did that happen?_

Scowling at the thought I dug my slip from my pocket and read it carefully. TV SHOW. _Hmm, what to do, what to do._ Books were my preferred entertainment, and I didn't have a favorite show that I watched. I knew I didn't want to do a kid's show, because whoever got Nessie's was going to be mad enough. For a moment I considered _MacGyver_, if only because I was trying to picture Jasper with a mullet and high-tops. But that brought back vague memories of my mother drooling over Richard Dean-Anderson. I shook my head, determined to think of something good. The last thing I'd actually watched was a marathon of... I shrugged and wrote it down. Edward gave me a questioning look, wanting to know what I'd written. I sent him a similar look. Gauging each other we both smirked and shook our heads.

"OK, time's up!" squealed Alice. I wasn't sure that she hadn't already seen the outcome of this anymore. She collected our suggestions and pulled a hand of similar strips out of her pocket. Before she was able to mix them with ours in her hat, Emmett grabbed at them to make sure they really were only catergories. Passing inspection, he added them in and Alice jumped up and down to mix the papers properly.

Ten minutes and much complaining later, Alice deftly drew her designated costume from Dennis and allowed us to draw ours in turn. She scolded Carlisle, who'd tried to peak at his paper. Jasper was the last to draw from the Dennis of Doom, as Jacob so eloquently titled it. As the only non-vampire, I supposed he had the most to be worried about. "Everyone have one? Good. We're going to go around the room and read them out loud. You start, Carlisle."

Carlisle gingerly unfolded his paper and let out a breath he'd been holding in. "Book: _The Once and Future King_. That was mine. Esme?"

"Book. It's blank, so I guess I'm with Carlisle, then?" They smiled at each other before turning their attention to the next in line, Rosalie.

The moment she read her paper she popped Emmett on the head. "Idiot." Emmett cackled while Rose read out, "Movie: The Princess Bride. Sometimes I really hate you, you know." Emmett sobered up long enough to mutter something about that not being his paper.

"Actually, Rose, that's mine," chuckled Jasper. She threw him a glare before smacking her husband again.

"What was that for?"

"For making him watch that idiotic movie in the first place!"

"Earth to Rosie – _The Princess Bride_ is a classic. It's practically a federal offense to be an American and not watch that movie," he argued.

"Yeah, the book was how we taught him to read, remember?" chirped Alice.

"You know what Alice? You can just go – "

Rose slapped him again, making him shut up before he did something that would earn him far more than a slap from me. "Alright then, what'd you get?" she demanded.

Still laughing he unfolded his paper, laughed some more, and then did a double-take. Edward lost his composure and pointed at Emmett while he laughed maniacally in the most immature behavior I had ever seen from my husband. Emmett's voice was full of confusion as he read out, "TV Show: Tinky Winky. What the hell is a Tinky Winky? Is it some kind of human food I don't know about?" The room was in an uproar again as everyone laughed at Emmett's blank expression. How could he have no idea who the Teletubbies were?

Nessie dove from my lap and sprinted to the TV. She was pointing at something on the screen. Emmett's eyes widened as he took in the puffy purple figure waving to the room. My daughter giggled and waved to her uncle. He waved back, still not comprehending what he'd gotten himself into.

"Wait a minute. I didn't think we could write down specific characters."

Alice put a finger to her lips as she thought. "Well, I never said that we couldn't, so I guess it's alright."

"But…" he whined. He shook his head, grimacing, before throwing a pillow at the little girl hopping up and down in front of the television. She caught it deftly and tossed it back. "No more TV for you, little missy."

Well, Rose was mollified, at least. Next thing I knew Nessie was in Jacob's lap, demanding to see what he'd drawn. I bit my lip as they read their assignments together, hiding them from each other. They were just so cute, sometimes, that it was hard to hate Jacob for imprinting on her while she was still natal. Sometimes.

"What'd you get, Ness?"

"Nuh-uh. You first."

His face fell into a pout before saying, "Cartoon. Now tell me what you got." He was trying to lean over and see for himself when she shrieked. "Cartoon: _The Flintstones_! Jakie!" She grabbed his hand to show him what she wanted to do about their costumes. Jacob snorted in displeasure, but Edward seemed to like the idea.

"What?" I asked.

"She wants to be Pebbles so he can be…" _Oh, please don't say Bam-Bam. I can't take that yet,_ "Dino."

"Please Jakie? Please, please, please, pa-leeeaaase? Dino's my favorite!" Her brown eyes sparkled up at him, knowing that he could not resist the puppy-dog look she'd mastered within the first four months of her life. His head bobbed up and down behind his hands, knowing he had no choice but to give in.

Edward patted his shoulders, pleased that he'd made our daughter happy. He opened his paper and sighed a breath of relief. "TV Show, and it's blank." He shot a nervous glance at Emmett, who had the only other television costume. "Well, Bella?" Obviously he was hoping that I had the other one, but I'm sure he wouldn't really appreciate my suggestion more than Nessie's.

I opened my paper up so that only I could see it. _No_. I peered around at everyone in the room, reading their expressions. When I met Emmett's hopeful eyes I glared at him.

"Did you get it? Tell me you got it. Yes!" he hissed, pumping his arm in victory. Edward actually choked, but I assumed he was just trying not to hurt my feelings by laughing. You know, sometimes I missed that overly-protective idiot I fell in love with.

"Book: Humpty Dumpty," I spat out. Everyone was laughing harder than they had at Emmett. "Really, Emmett? Really? Is that even a book?" He shrugged as he met Jasper's high five.

"Sorry, love, but you have to admit that – " Suddenly his head whipped around, glancing between Jasper and Emmett. He remained still, teetering between amusement and anger. As soon as I caught the joke I buried my head into Edward's shoulder, thankful that it was impossible for me to blush anymore. He rubbed my arm soothingly, but I could feel his poorly suppressed amusement. _Are they ever going to let us live that down? It's not my fault that our bed wasn't been strong enough…or the floor…_

_Yeah, they're never gonna let this go. Not that I'd really minded at the time…_ Partially hiding my face behind my husband's arm I asked Jasper to tell us his costume. Silence. I risked peeking out from my hiding place. Edward was distinctly still, meeting his brother's gaze with an unreadable expression. Deciding upon something they both turned their attention to me. "What?" _Wait a second – Jasper was the one watching the marathon with me…_ An evil grin spread across my face as I realized what had happened. "Yes, Jasper?" I asked sweetly.

He sighed, still maintaining his glare. "TV Show: _Will & Grace_. Very funny Bella."

Oblivious to what this meant for her father, Nessie tugged on Edward's pant leg. "Daddy, what's your costume gonna be?"

"Well…I can, ugh, go with Jasper, or with Emmett, right? That's not really much of a choice." Emmett was silently pleading with Edward in his head to join him. His eyes were clenched shut and his hands were folded in prayer.

"Ugh, Edward, not that I'm pleading my case or anything, but at least you won't have to dress up as something quite as _colorful_ if you pair up with me." Rose snickered at Jasper's evasion, which was clearly for Nessie's sake.

He sighed deeply before turning to me. "Alright Jasper. But I call Will!" he added hastily. Jasper's jaw dropped and Emmett cursed under his breath, upset that he was going alone. "Just know that this is all your fault." He poked me in the side before pointing to Nessie. Jasper was still too upset to say anything. "So Jasper, who ya' gonna be?" _Who's left other than Jack or Leo? But then none of the episodes we watched had Leo in them, and his manly pride would never allow him to be Jack. He won't want to be Grace or Karen… At least I hope not…_

After some time Jasper smirked. "Vince." I laughed, knowing he'd beaten Edward at their little intellectual battle. Obviously Edward had assumed that Will was the manliest man on the show, and Jasper had shown him he was wrong. Now I hoped he was glad he'd watched the show with me when Edward had gotten bored and left.

"Good. He's the hot one, anyways," grinned Alice, wrapping her arms around her husband's neck possessively. "Just don't go running into any fires, OK?"

"Vince? Who's Vince? I – " His eyes lit up as he caught Jasper's thoughts. _Maybe this wasn't such a good show to pick. I don't want to have this talk with Nessie yet. She just turned one a month ago…_"Fine. Just remember we're going to have a talk about this later, alright?"

"Man, you guys act like you're married or something."

"Who Uncle Emmett?"

"Your dad and Uncle Jasper."

"But Momma, you said that – "

"Alice!" I interrupted my daughter, trying to delay the inevitable. "What did you get?"

Her lips were pursed in concentration as she unfolded her slip. "Scotland."

Huh? We were all confused.

She pointed at the paper. "Place: Scotland. That's what it says!" We all looked at each other and noticed that Esme was playing with one of the tassels on her ottoman. Carlisle touched her arm, but she kept her head down.

When she eventually noticed we were all watching her she spoke up. "Well, I've always wanted to go there – " she started nervously before meeting Carlisle's questioning gaze. He laughed, Edward cringed, and she continued on. " – and Carlisle'd been talking about kilts earlier…and then I looked up and saw Nessie and I – I'm sorry, alright! I couldn't think of anywhere else!" Esme. Exasperated. I didn't think I'd ever seen that before. Wow. "Anyways, it's not nearly as bad as _Will & Grace._"

Carlisle gaped at his wife. "Did you just bash Bella? I feel like I never really knew you before this moment. What happened to that sweet woman I married?" She smacked his arm, sending a smile in my direction.

"I was going to ask about Carlisle's fashion sense, but Edward's face tells me that I should keep my mouth shut," observed Rose.

"Please, this is too much." Edward's eyes were clenched together and his fingers pinched the bridge of his nose, but I knew the images were still there.

"That's it then! Everyone get to your projects. You have five hours." Alice called, although most of us knew that she was just going to make our costumes for us once we gave her a general design. Feeling that the collective Cullen consciousness (the CCC, as I liked to call it) would soon become too much for my husband, we executed a hasty retreat to the cabin, bringing Jacob and Nessie with us.

Edward was shaking his head as we reached our door. "You know, after all these years living with those two, they still manage to shock me. Sometimes it's like they do it on purpose, trying to prove that they're worse than Em and Rose…" he trailed off, shuddering.

"Worse than those two? I doubt it. Even _I_ can't stand to be around them when they get like that," Jacob countered.

"Trust me. Carlisle and Esme may be more _private_, but definitely worse."

Nessie grabbed her father's hand to try and comfort him as we filed into the cabin to work out our costumes. _There has to be a way around this Humpty Dumpty nonsense._


	2. Chapter 2

**This is where things get AU, but we couldn't have a fair competition without the other shifters.

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**Chapter 2 – Super Savory Sucker Balls and Sexual Frustration**

**GINNY**

A head of frazzled red hair popped out from the kitchen. "Ginny, dear, would you mind helping me to set the table?" Her head was gone just as quickly as it came, leaving me straddled over a flustered Harry on the sofa. I rolled my eyes and pulled Harry's hands away from me and placed them at his side. _Of course not, Mum. Harry and I were just sitting here, ignoring each other as we always do every time you walk in on us snogging. I would _love_ to ignore him some more to help you do something that _obviously_ can't be done with magic._ Really, the woman should learn the art of subtlety. If she didn't want Harry pawing me, she should tell him off and send him away.

I plastered on my best obedient daughter face, trying to unclench my jaw. "Sure, Mum. What do you need me to do?" I reluctantly let go of the hand I'd been holding and stood, stretching out my back. I didn't miss the look I got from Harry as my chest popped out in front of me when I lifted my arms behind my head. Happy that I'd made my point, I checked to make sure my necklace was tucked beneath my shirt and waltzed my way to the kitchen to help Mum. Immediately I was bombarded with a list of _essential_ duties to complete before the guests arrived. I'm not sure that de-gnoming the garden was _essential_, but I had some frustrations to work out so I didn't mind.

Two hours, forty-seven gnomes, one epic battle of flying chairs, and twenty-six platters of food later, we were all found sitting around a large table in the back yard. Looking around at my friends and family gathered together brought a smile to my face. Some were kept away by prior obligations, but Mum was pleased with the turnout.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione showed up a few days ago – it was the first time that our Ministry leaves had coincided since we'd begun training last year. Harry was studying under Tonks to become an Auror while Ron played alternate for his beloved Chudley Cannons. Mum and Dad were always sure to attend the Cannon matches against the Harpies, so they could cheer for both of us. And Hermione…well, I'm not quite sure what she was up to, but Ron assured me that it was very political and very important Ministry work.

Profs. Dumbledore and Lupin even showed up, declaring that a meal cooked by Molly Weasley was not something one should pass up lightly. A black and orange-haired Tonks showed up with a blue-haired Teddy. (_'We wanted to come in matching orange and black, but you know how Teddy likes to change his colors so much.'_) Fred and George closed the shop early and brought Sirius, who was helping them develop a new line of dungbombs that smelled different to anyone in the area, depending on the smell they found the most revolting. So the normal crowd was here.

It had been three years since the Battle of Hogwarts (that's what the _Daily Prophet_ was calling it) but we still felt it proper to remember those who'd given their lives in opposition of Voldemort. Calling us to attention before we opened our party favors, Dumbledore stood with glass in hand, beckoning us each to do the same. "To Molly Weasley, for preparing such a magnificent spread and once again bringing us all together. To those friends lost and not-yet-met, may we never forget them." I raised my glass and clinked it with Harry and Hermione's, both sitting on opposite sides of me. I smiled at my family. Considering how many of us had fought – let alone those who fought in both wars – it was a miracle we'd all survived.

Harry's hand found mine beneath the table and I turned to meet his gaze. It was wonderful having him back. We'd not had much time to be alone lately, with everyone staying here, and I often found myself looking back on that blissful final year I was able to spend sneaking around the grounds with him. After the war, Dumbledore'd declared that everyone needed to repeat the year prior, because we all spent too much time fighting and not enough time learning. This was partially my fault, but I refused to take all of the blame. After all, Ron and the rest hadn't even bothered to show up until the end of term, and that certainly wasn't for learning. It was painful for me having to spend my final year at Hogwarts without them again, but I was so preoccupied by studies that I only had a few dark hours to ponder what Harry was getting up to in his training.

Sniffing, Mum told everyone to dig in. Fred had decided a week ago that we should do a themed event this year and offered to supply the party favors. Naturally, everyone was worried. Harry handed me mine as he snapped his open, keeping his hands as far away from his face as possible in case something should leap out at him. Inside was what appeared to be a red gumball. Looking around I saw that everyone had discovered that their favors contained similar prizes. I broke into mine and found a bright pink ball. It was just slightly smaller than the size of a Snitch.

"Go on then. You just have to suck on it a few seconds for it to work," explained George.

"For what to work, exactly?" asked Tonks. She was fighting to keep Teddy from popping his grey one into his tiny mouth. She wanted to see what they did first. "Here, you take him," she said as she passed him to Remus. He pulled the grey ball from his son's fist, then his eyes widened as Teddy's hair turned as red as his face in a fit of rage that only a young child is capable of. And also possibly Draco Malfoy.

"For the potion to work, Tonks. Now get on with it!" Fred responded eagerly over Teddy's wailing.

Without a word Dumbledore dropped a bright yellow ball into his mouth and sucked on it with a thoughtful expression. "It tastes like lemon tarts," he commented, obviously unaware of the entire effect of the candy.

He was glowing – literally glowing – in the dim moonlight. I'm not talking some slight shimmery effect. The man was going super nova. The lot of us were nearly blinded by the reflection from his half-moon spectacles as he cleaned them on his robes. "Err, Professor?"

"Go on, Harry. Try yours. They're quite delicious. My complements, boys." Harry glanced nervously towards my brothers before trying their newest candy. He waited a while before smiling and opening his mouth to express how much he loved cinnamon. All he managed to do was open his mouth before everyone around the table was forced to duck to avoid the flames erupting from his throat.

We sat up and saw Harry huddled over with his hands firmly clamped over his mouth. His eyes shot daggers at the twins who merely shrugged to one another and said they may have overdone the fireballs a bit. They would have to check that when they returned to the shop.

At that moment Remus lost the struggle with Teddy and watched in horror as his son forced the large candy into his mouth and immediately sprouted a coat of thick, grey fur all over his body. Tonks held her hand to her mouth, unsure of how to respond. Teddy, taking in his new look with a critical eye, scrunched his eyes closed in concentration. His fur turned blue. Tonks stifled giggles as Remus, still in shock, had to fight his furry son from eating another candy.

"Teddy, no, I think you've had quite enough."

"More please, Da. I want another."

As a last resort Remus ate his own brown candy, the only way to keep it from the hungry blue child-thing on his lap. He turned to glare at Tonks, who bit down on her candy to contain the laughter that was threatening to bubble over. Next thing, Remus was sucking on his candy in pleasure. His eyes closed as his smile grew wider and wider.

Harry and I exchanged a look as Remus's skin turned a rich brown color. That was when he noticed the change. He tentatively sniffed the air before opening his eyes and examining his arm. He sniffed it, licked it, and stated the obvious by proclaiming that his skin was now chocolate. "Well, dear, you are what you eat." In turn, Tonks sprouted a magnificent pair of antlers and a short fluffy tail, matched by a long set of whiskers and two large ears.

"So then, what exactly have you been eating?" Ron spit his candy out as he looked them both over, and Harry broke down laughing, breathing fire everywhere. We ducked again, although the fire didn't appear to be a real threat as none of the linens had caught fire yet. _Not that anyone wanted to test that, though._ Each time he tried to apologize another spurt of fire shot out, nearly singing off Sirius's hair, which was currently a white shade of blonde that matched his elongated nose quite nicely.

Remus was studying his arm with a growing amount of apprehension. It was as though he were contemplating taking a bite from one of his thumbs. Shaking his head and tearing his attention away he caught sight of his friend. He pointed at Sirius and laughed heartily for the first time since the chaos began. Sirius, catching sight of a flash of blonde out of the corner of his eye, nearly knocked his chair over in fright. He grabbed at his spoon and transfigured it into a mirror and stroked at his hair. He screamed as he realized the face that looked out at him resembled that of Lucius Malfoy instead of his own, which he thought far better looking than his cousin's husband. Luckily the spoon returned to its natural state before clattering upon the table. Tonks saw Sirius and her eyes widened in shock. Laughter won out in the end, probably imagining what would have happened if she'd looked into the mirror and seen _Bellatrix_. She shuddered.

Sirius patted his cheeks experimentally before huffing loudly. "My mouth is stuck in a frown. I can't move it!"

To my right, Hermione was squealing something dreadful. Or at least I'd thought it was Hermione. No one else was capable of reaching that decibel except…no, it was my brother. Ron'd sprouted four spindly, hairy arms, giving him eight limbs in all. As his newly acquired feelers passed before his eyes he cried out again, ducking under the table only to find that he couldn't hide from the big nasty spider because he was the big nasty spider. I caught Hermione's eye and we both quickly placed our candies under our napkins before she ran off to stop Ron from climbing over the hedge and into the garden to escape from himself.

"Frederick Weasely, you set your brother straight this _instant_, or I swear – "

"Don't stress yourself, Mum, the quicker you eat them – "

" – the quicker the effects wear off."

"At least that's what's _supposed_ to happen."

"But we're sure it will go away Mum, don't you worry."

The rest of the table quickly ate their candies, not wanting the side-effects to last any longer than necessary. I followed suit, wondering if ours could possibly be as bad as Ron's. I saw that Harry was laughing at me, or more unsuccessfully trying not to. He shook his head and stroked my arm so lightly I could barely feel his fingers.

" You look like, like – " He was mumbling between his fingers, but small spurts of fire and smoke managed to escape hid mouth.

"I look like wha – ?" I looked down at my body and screamed. I couldn't help it. I was covered in bright pink fluff. "I look like Arnold!"

"Ginny, who's Arnold?" asked Sirius as he quickly conjured up an ink well and proceeded to dump its contents over his head, staining his hair, along with the rest of his face, black. Pleased with himself and his quick-thinking he smiled.

I let out a huff of annoyance. "Arnold is my pygmy puff that I got from _those two_ gits over there!" I was shouting, pointing at my brothers who were laughing hysterically at each other's matching troll feet. All I really managed to do was shift some of my weight in their direction, producing a lump of fur that stuck out further than the rest of me. _I don't have arms!_

"Oh, well I'm starving." And following Dumbledore's example Sirius dug in as well. Harry reached for a drumstick, brought it to his lips, then thought better of the whole thing and sat it on his plate where he eyed it hungrily. I had no limbs to speak of, and I thought that asking Harry to feed me would just be too embarrassing, especially since he couldn't eat either. I took in the rest of the table as my stomach grumbled loudly. Dad was covered in hundreds of white feathers that seemed to tickle him each time he moved. Hermione had finally gotten ahold of Ron and was dragging him back to the table. Dumbledore was still beaming madly at us, although his radiance had diminished somewhat. Teddy was racing about on four paws and had somehow grown himself pointed ears and a long bushy tail. Remus's brown complexion darkened as he chased him about while Tonks attacked the food before her with gusto.

Mum was trying to yell, scold, say anything, really, but every time her mouth opened a stream of bubbles emerged. Her words came out one at a time, jumbled into nonsense based on which bubble popped when. "I – boys – you – hope – doing – what – you're – know – will – really – or – father – it – your – hear – about!" Nevermind that Dad was sitting _right there_, witnessing the whole thing.

As soon as Hermione shoved Ron into his seat and sat down I leaned towards her and whispered, "Best get it over with, I think." She gave me an appraising once over before nodding absently and nervously retrieving her candy. Everyone turned to watch as she sucked on it slowly. Her eyes lit up with delight. I mean they actually turned yellow. "Mmmmm, these are prrrrrrrr-etty good, afterrrrrrrr all," she purred happily. We saw the ears peak through her hair, and the tiny nose and whiskers shoot off her face. I felt something brush against me and noticed a furry tail flicking against my pink fluff.

Ron patted her head awkwardly with one of his hairy red limbs when she began rubbing her cheek against his shoulder. She was practically curled up on his lap before someone coughed loudly and she realized what had happened. "Not _again_!" she cried, climbing off of my brother's lap and back into her own chair.

Harry snickered as I asked, "Hermione? Do you make it a habit of turning yourself into a cat?"

She groaned again, her head buried beneath her paws on the table. A hungry Ron stroked her back with two of his extra arms while he continued eating. He seemed to come to the conclusion that extra arms were actually useful. "It was back durrrrring second yearrrrr and we – "

_Fire_. "Honestly Gin, you don't want to – " _fire_ " – hear about it." Harry winked at me, meaning that he would tell me later when the adults weren't around. He drained his pumpkin juice in one long gulp, causing steam to radiate from his ears and mouth and his glasses to fog up.

"Remus! You make him quit that howling and come eat at the table like a civilized person or you are both sleeping outside tonight!" Remus tackled Teddy to the ground, held him at arm's length as he walked back to the table, dropped the squirming mass of chocolate-covered blue fur onto a chair as Tonks quickly cast a spell Mum'd used on me plenty of times. Teddy watched as the chair slowly wrapped him in wooden arms so that he barely had any wiggle room. Next she cleaned away the brown goo that an overheated chocolate man had left on the child's blue fur.

"Now dearest, I clearly recall you telling me that this whole furry business didn't bother you." Remus sank into his chair before he grabbed a spoonful of applesauce and shoved it in the child's mouth. Teddy, who was so delighted to have more food, stopped howling and turned to his mother and demanded more.

"Yes, but that was with you. That one," here she pointed toward their son with a forkful of something orange, which Teddy lapped up hungrily, "has absolutely no excuse for acting like a regular hooligan. I mean, really, you'd think he was brain damaged or something." She fed him more of the orange stuff, if only to shut him up.

Remus laughed. "Yes but his hair was blue when you arrived, and I am fairly certain that I had no part in that." She stuck her tongue out at him before leaning in for a kiss, only to be interrupted by a sticky blue-orange fist in the eye. She squinted a bit and Remus sneezed orange chunks from his nose. His skin had lightened from dark to milk chocolate by this point.

"Believe it or not, Harry, you were worse." Harry's brow shot up high into his fringe as he was caught laughing at Remus's obvious distress. "Sirius can back me up on this, right mate?"

"Absolutely. Thanks to your shenanigans as an infant, I am now a confirmed old bachelor, sworn to never reproduce. I remember this one time in particular that I came over and James was attempting to give you a bath while Lily was out. You slid your way out of the tub and started running about the house in your birthday suit, wailing like a banshee. I'd never seen such a tiny little bum – well, no I take that back. When Tonks was born I – "

"I'd rather you didn't discuss my wife's bare bum at the moment, if you please." Remus popped Sirius on the back of the head. Harry returned his smile and all was forgiven. _Although I wouldn't mind hearing more about Harry's bare bum. I'll have to corner Sirius later…_

A great _whooshing_ sound started up and Dumbledore rose from his seat expectantly. Something that sounded like a landslide came from the garden. Someone cursed loudly in a funny accent. That voice was followed by a smoother one shouting, "Just everyone stop thinking!" I looked around and saw that, aside from Dumbledore, only Remus was unsurprised by our guests. He did seem a little taken aback by the request, as though he were thinking something that he didn't want others to know he was thinking about. Like I was.

"I do believe that our guests have finally arrived. Carlisle?" the old wizard called out in the direction of the garden. There was a loud clanking of metal before a response came back.

"Albus! Just give us a second to untangle ourselves and we'll be right there. I'm afraid we are rather unaccustomed to this sort of travel. Now, where's Pebbles?" The man sounded American…or Canadian. I never could tell the difference.

"Watch it, Emmett! You stepped on my tail!"

"Well, mutt, you shouldn't have been lying there!"

"To whoever is picturing the fire-breathing boy naked, please stop! There are children present!" I blushed, wondering if whoever was in the garden was really that skilled of a Legilimens. But it wasn't like I was trying hard to block those thoughts… Mum's Supermum powers honed in on me, correctly assuming I was the one at fault. She was glaring at me so I tried thinking about Qudditch. It didn't really work. I mean, I thought about brooms and I thought about Harry… "GAH!" Shouted the voice. I was suddenly glad that the horrid pink fur hid my flushed face. Harry, thankfully, remained unaware of the exchange.

"Boys! Cut it out!" came a motherly reprimand.

"A thousand apologies, your majesty."

"Hey! Who bit me? Nessie?"

"It wasn't me," came a much younger voice.

"Oh, hey, is this what bit you?"

"What'n tarnation is that?" I must've missed a gnome. Whups.

"Bella, I don't know how to tell you this…but there's pieces of you all over the cabbage."

"If you recall correctly, _Vince_, you're the one that broke me!"

Just when I thought the suspense would kill us all, a knight in shining armor stepped out of the garden. He was followed by what looked to be a horrid excuse for a large purple troll with and upside-down triangle on his head. He was wearing a pink tutu and carrying a matching handbag and looking none too pleased to be doing so. Harry and Hermione were both laughing hysterically. _Maybe it's a muggle thing? But why would muggles have come using a portkey?_

Dumbledore stepped forward and greeted the knight (presumably this was the one called Carlisle) as though they'd known each other for ages. It only made sense that this exceedingly eccentric group was acquainted with him. Dumbledore's radiance shone brightly off of the armor. The man removed his helmet and revealed a handsome blonde man that gave Gilderoy Lockhart a run for his galleons. However, with his face visible, I became aware of a mysterious sparkling effect that Dumbledore's radiance was having upon the man's skin. He smiled and clasped Dumbledore's arm warmly. Next to appear was a gorgeous brunette dressed in a soft green velvet dress. The first thing I realized was that they were all unnaturally pale and unerringly attractive, and secondly that they were all shining. The woman accepted the arm offered to her by the knight and whispered something in his ear. He leant sideways and called out. "Remus, my friend? Is that you? You look so – "

"Yes, I know. I've been turned into chocolate. I'm just pleased I've stopped melting." He examined his complexion before he strode over to the strangers and clapped him on the back. "I'm glad you could make it."

"So am I, though I'm afraid that the portkey left at a rather awkward time. We've just finished our Halloween costumes."

Dumbledore, who was still glowing faintly, chuckled. "My friend, I am quite sure that you will settle in just fine. I – " Someone, presumably whoever had done it earlier, coughed. I looked up to find the culprit and saw Sirius staring with wide eyes at the lengthy blonde woman sidling up to the purple troll. Aside from my sister-in-law, she was one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen. She was wearing a rather form-fitted white gown and a tiara. _What in the world is going on?_

"Everyone, come out here so I can introduce you to my good friend, Albus." The blonde bride was followed by a short brunette in a very short kilt, a tiny girl in light animal skin, who was dragging a huge purple dinosaur on a leash. Two boys – or men, I couldn't quite be sure – walked out next, glaring at each other. One was dressed in a very strange sort of black and yellow jumpsuit with a matching helmet. The other was wearing tight black pants, an even tighter grey t-shirt, and a black leather jacket. He extended an arm back to wrap around the waist of a woman dressed in a light grey jumpsuit decorated with lines to make her look like a brick wall. Her left hand was encased in a pale egg that had apparently broken upon impact. As with the first three, they were all pale and gorgeous. And shining.

"Good afternoon to you all. I'm so delighted to finally meet Carlisle's family at last. He's told me so much about you." We were all cautiously taking in each other's appearances, trying to determine who looked the most ridiculous. That was the moment that Teddy broke free from his chair and raced across the yard in a streak of blue fur.

"Theodore Remus Lupin you come back here at once!" Tonks shrieked. Remus caught his son as he passed by, swinging him into the air. Teddy was growling and causing an awful ruckus. The little girl looked back questioningly at the man with his arm around the stone wall, who laughed.

"No, Nessie, you weren't that bad. No, not even the time you tried to bring home the kitty." All of the strangers laughed in response, but I still had no idea what was going on. _What's so funny about a girl catching a harmless little kitty? _I looked to Harry, but he shrugged his shoulders, a slight furrow to his brow.

Tonks marched up to her husband and demanded that he tell everyone what was going on. If not for the fact that we all wanted to know as well, we may have laughed at her flattened ears and twitching tail. "I want to know what _they_ are doing here. Don't give me that look – I know very well what they are. I'm not an Auror for nothing, you know."

"So you trust me, but not them?" he shot back.

"It's not the same thing and you bloody well know it. Now explain yourself!"

Dumbledore waved his hand through the air dismissively. "I can assure you, Nymphadora," ('_Don't call me that!')_ "Carlisle's family is much less dangerous than you think." The purple troll snorted and was smacked by the kilted girl. "They're – what do you call yourselves, again?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 – The Judges…and a Little Wolf, Too**

**BELLA**

"Vegetarians," We chorused with a group smirk. The pink-haired woman who didn't like her name raised an eyebrow at us before snatching what I assumed was her son away from her husband and marched back to the table. She stumbled slightly before slamming herself down into an empty chair. She held the furry blue child on her lap protectively. I was honestly surprised that she'd known what we were without explanation.

The brown man shook his head, chocolate flakes flying everywhere. "Darling, it's quite all right. I asked Albus to invite them here tonight." I slid my hand into Edward's so I could 'talk' to him.

_Edward?_ He nodded his head toward Jacob. _We're here because of _Jacob_? Why?_ He shook his head. Apparently this was supposed to be some big surprise. He smiled that adorably stupid crooked smile of his and I yanked my hand back. One minute we were gathered in the dining room and the next we were falling through the sky into vegetable garden. I had no idea what was going on here. Or for that matter, where _here_ was. The table was filled with people covered in fur and feathers, yet they thought _we_ were the crazy ones.

The larger red-haired woman stood up from the table, about to ask what on earth was occurring in her backyard, when she paused. Her husband, a gangly man with red hair and glasses, pulled her back down and spoke for her, laughing through his feathers. "Alb- haha –Albus – teeheehee – would you – ahhaahh – care to – oh hoho – explain – bahahahee!" He sank into his chair, overcome by another fit of giggles.

"Quite right. Everyone, I would like to introduce you to the Cullen family. As _Tonks_ has already surmised, they are a vampire coven, though to be more precise, they don't feed on humans." After a moment's pause a bubble popped, followed by a delayed mix between a shriek and a gasp.

Dino raised a hand, his deep voice muffled by the headpiece of the costume. "Uh, I'm not."

"Nope. Jake's a wolfie! Aren't you, Jakie?" Jake nodded, the head to his costume toppling precariously on his wide shoulders.

"He doesn't look very much like a wolf," Tonks pointed out with a raised brow.

"Daddy a wolf. Daddy go 'aaaaaaaoooooooohhhhh'!" howled the little boy from his seat. His mother shushed him, and his father shrugged apologetically. Someone whispered, "_Yeah, that's pretty much what he sounds like. Used to give Peter nightmares, too."_

Rosalie stomped her foot in agitation and gestured for someone to tell her what was going on. Carlisle turned and announced, "This is Albus Dumbledore. He is a wizard." Only Edward and Emmett seemed unfazed, but then it's pretty hard to shock Emmett.

Of course, Alice was upset. "So now you mean that there are _two_ forms that I can't see? First the wolves, and now them!" Jasper moved to her side to comfort her and ended up comforting everyone in the area. _Five points for vampiric abilities._ "Edward? Can you hear anything?"

"Most of them, yes. But…has anyone noticed anything different about them?" He spoke in low tones so that the…magical…people…couldn't hear us.

"Because the fact that they claim to be wizards and look like they just escaped from the freak show isn't different enough," whispered Jacob under his breath.

Jasper answered him. "I can't smell them. Any of them." Rosalie nodded her head in agreement. They were right – I couldn't smell them at all. _Well, that will make things a little easier._

"You really can't smell them?" asked Jake in a whisper. I shook my head. "Huh. Guess that's another point to the wolves, then."

"How about I conjure us some more chairs so we can all sit down and get to know each other properly? Yes, that's the ticket." Green puffy armchairs appeared, along with another table. Chairs were floated out of the way as the two tables were put together. Nessie bounced in her father's arms at the show. The ten of us sat on one side while the thirteen of them sat opposite us.

The old man then cleared his throat before launching into a detailed story about how he'd met Carlisle in Paris many many years ago. He'd been conducting some very important research (here he looked meaningfully at the boy with the glasses and messy black hair) and Carlisle had helped him out until he moved overseas. They'd been in sparse contact with each other ever since he became the headmaster of some private school for wizards.

Jacob was finding it difficult to breathe in his costume (for a guy who preferred to run around sans clothing, he had to be burning up) and removed the dinosaur head. I watched as he placed it on the ground, impressed that he hadn't bent the wire frame when we arrived. Alice probably would've killed him for ruining his costume. I had broken Humpty Dumpty, but then it would've happened sooner or later. That was when I noticed that everyone on the other side of the table was staring at Jake.

"What?"

The funny kid with the glasses sitting next to the furry pink thing pointed at Jake and started to say something, but shot a ball of flame out of his mouth instead. Instinct taking over, eight of us found ourselves inspecting the underside of the table before the fireball had fully formed. Seven of us were surprised to discover that Cat Woman was playing footsie with Spiderman. Carlisle called the all-clear from overhead and we clambered back into our seats. _I suppose we all should've taken the medieval approach and worn armor to protect us from the fire-breathing dragon._ Edward laughed and nodded his head while Carlisle lifted his helmet's visor and grinned through the slit.

Dragon Boy muttered a muffled, "Sorry," through his hands, which was accompanied by a pillar of smoke.

"This spectacular display of flame throwing was brought to you courtesy of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes," grumbled the pink fluffy one.

"That's brilliant! Fred, we should pay Gin to do that after each demonstration!" I noticed that two on the end near the human sun were identical trolls, fluffy patches of red on the tops of their heads and sprouting out of their ears.

One lifted a handful of candy toward us. "Hey, you lot want to try some? It's our Halloween specialty candy."

"We call them – "

" – Sucker Sweets."

"They taste like whatever you like best – "

" – suppose that would be blood for you lot – "

" – and they give you a temporary costume." They both raised their hands, showing off their mottled green skin.

We all shook our heads, doubting our bodies were permeable enough to bounce back from _that_ sort of transformation. _But the way they're selling, I would try one. They have that annoying habit of finishing sentences that Edward has. I wonder if they can read minds, too?_

Carlisle took charge again. "Erm, no thank you. We try to refrain from ingesting human food." _And that's why he's the head man_, I thought to Edward. "Shall I begin the introductions?" Dumbledore nodded. "This is my wife Esme. Going down the table we have Jasper and Alice; Edward, Bella, and their daughter Renesmee; Jacob Black; and Emmett and Rosalie." He turned to Merlin when he'd finished.

"I hope you don't mind me saying, Carlisle, that you have a very beautiful family – to see so much love in one household…And Renesmee, dear, you are simply enchanting." Nessie, who'd abandoned her chair for Jacob's lap, buried her face into the purple Dino suit in an attempt to hide her blush.

_Yeah, I know, she's my daughter. Stop laughing._ Edward made a zipper sign over his upturned lips.

The anorexic Santa Claus made our host's excuses for her ('_at the moment she's speaking the language of the merpeople, you see_') before introducing the…magical…people. Based on the abundance of red hair, I assumed most of them were related in the way that my family was not. "This is Fred and George Weasley. Next to them are Nymphadora and – oh, please don't make that face, dear – and Remus Lupin, and their son Teddy. Sirius Black, Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger, Ron, Molly, and Arthur Weasley." If it weren't for my perfect memory, I never would've been able to keep their names straight.

Tonks was the first to break the silence. "So…you're all vampires…but not the darker one. He's a werewolf? And that little girl is your daughter? How is that possible? I thought vampires were incapable of reproducing." She seemed to have a better than average understanding of our world, and that unsettled me.

Carlisle gave them the abbreviated version of the Cullen history, including how Jake had joined our family. Not wanting to startle anyone (mainly his granddaughter) with the details of imprinting, he pretty much just said that we kept the wolf around to amuse Nessie. The sad part was that Jake wasn't upset by that. We also kept our special _abilities_ to ourselves for the time being.

Albus explained then explained to us that they were the victors of a war that had been raging in the wizard world for the past few decades. Some crackpot who called himself 'Lord Voldemort' had decided that immortality was what he wanted and he would do anything to get it. Harry, the boy with messy black hair and glasses, had killed him. _He doesn't look like he could hurt a fly, let alone kill an evil wizard._

"_You still have a lot to learn, love,"_ Edward whispered so only I could hear.

Tonks – the angry one with pink hair and…_shrinking_ antlers? Yes, they were definitely smaller. She'd been a twelve pointer when we arrived and now she was down to a nine (what can I say, I picked up some hunting skills from listening to all of those 'man talks' that Charlie and Billy had) still was unimpressed with Remus, the chocolate man, who was at the moment sucking his thumb. I mean, it was chocolate, after all. "I still don't understand. Remus, why did you invite them here."

He quit sucking his thumb. "Well, Albus and I were having tea last month, before the moon, and he told me about this friend he had who happened to be a vampire. He told me about his family and how they knew of a breed of wolves who weren't bound by the same natural laws I am. Naturally, I wanted to meet one. The rest unfolded from there." Hold up, the chocolate man was a werewolf? This was getting too weird. Honestly, stuff like this shouldn't shock me anymore, but finding out that honest-to-goodness wizards were sitting in front of me discussing werewolves was a lot to take in for one dinner party. And I didn't even consume food anymore.

"You see," began the old wizard, "Everyone has been so gloomy lately that I decided we were in need of some cheering up. That's why I asked Molly to host this little gathering. Carlisle, if you don't mind, I was hoping that we could have a sort of contest."

Alice clapped her hands in her seat.

"What did you have in mind, Albus?" I was waiting for Carlisle's accent to kick in, surrounded by all of these British wizards, but it never did. Maybe he would slip up later…

"To start with I was thinking about a costume contest, seeing how everyone is dressed up so nicely. We can push on from there."

"I think that's a lovely idea, Professor." Really, Jasper was going to need to restrain his wife if we were going to be here much longer. These people would not be able to deal with an _excited_ Alice.

"Please dear, call me Albus."

"Alright then, Albus. How should we do it? We could vote. Oh! We should have judges – you know, impartial to the contest. And we can use Dennis!"

"I agree. Who, though?" He thought for a while before snapping his fingers as a thought occurred to him. "Harry? You retrieved the stone, didn't you?" The boy blanched to a shade slightly darker than mine and nodded. Edward hissed. Albus ignored him. "I think Severus should be involved. He's tough, but fair." Harry dug around in his pocket before pulling out a small, black stone. I didn't see anything wrong with it, but Edward seemed to think otherwise.

Meanwhile Sirius, who looked like he'd just lost a fight with a massive ballpoint pen, began shouting protests left and right. "But sir, he hates me! How can you honestly call _him_ impartial."

"If we're to be honest, he hates everyone," sighed one of the twins.

"And he is _dead_, isn't he? I'm pretty sure he died," inquired the other twin.

"He doesn't hate _everyone_," interjected Harry. The wince that followed didn't really help plead the man's case.

"As long as this is up for discussion, sir, I think he may be slightly biased against me," stated Remus.

"Oh yeah? Well I nearly killed him!" Sirius was at it again.

"No, you nearly _had_ him killed. _I'm_ the one who nearly killed him. Or don't you remember?"

"Either way, he _is _still dead." I needed to sort the trolls out in my mind.

"While we're at it, why not ol' Mad-Eye? He held an equal amount of indifference for everyone," suggested Tonks.

"Yes. I believe he would be most helpful. And Harry shouldn't have any trouble calling him." Tonks balked, appearantly not having expected her suggestion to be taken seriously.

"Hang on, Moody died, too, didn't he." The twins were very confused now. So was I, for that matter.

"I haven't seen his body since that night we lost it."

"He's gotta be dead."

The other twin tilted his giant, ugly head in thought. "Unless he's been hiding all this time."

"You mean from the Death Eaters? No, I don't think so. He's mad, but that's going a bit far, even for him."

"So we're in agreement that both of the aforementioned blokes are, in fact, quite deceased."

"Yes."

Honestly, I had no idea what they were talking about, so I turned to my family and joined the discussion that was currently raging around me. I had to exclude anyone from Forks because they'd all either been in love with Edward and hated me or despised Edward and liked me. Other than my father, who would have a heart attack if we brought him here. That pretty much left the wolves.

"What about Seth?"

"I don't think so, Jake. He's not someone I would call impartial." Edward was right. Seth was far too protective and pro-vampire for his own good, sometimes. Still, he was someone to consider.

"What about Charlie?" Emmett threw out.

"No, he's never really known what goes on…ever. He still doesn't know everything and I think we should keep it that way." See, Jake could be rational…when he chose to be.

"Tanya?" piped Alice. I don't know who said "_NO!_" faster, me or Edward.

"How about Marcus?" _Carlisle did _not_ just say that. No way am I letting that creep near Nessie ever again._

"You're kidding, right? I mean, I know that they don't really like him as much, but he's still one of _them_."

"Good point, Jasper. Albus," Carlisle touched the old man's arm to grab his attention. "We really don't have any unbiased acquaintances to choose from…at least not that Molly would approve of in her garden. What about having one impartial and two biased judges. That way we could even things up a bit." Appearantly he felt guilty about asking our various _friends_ for anymore favors so soon. I'm sure Garret would've loved this. Though right now he was on his honeymoon…And the whole human thing would be an issue for most of them…

"Which way would these people most likely vote?"

"Against the party they represent, I think. I'm sorry to say that we've accumulated quite a few ill-acquaintances over the years."

"Yes, I suppose you would have. Do you have someone particular in mind?"

We all looked at each other and nodded in agreement. "A young woman by the name of Leah Clearwater, I believe."

Jake sighed dejectedly. "Yeah, I think she pretty much hates us all equally. She won't like you guys any better, but she'll probably vote for you because you don't offend the olfactory senses," he said, tapping his nose. Leah didn't exactly _hate_ us anymore, but she could hardly be called indifferent.

"Very well then. Harry, if you would be so kind as to call upon Alastor and Severus, we shall see about summoning Ms. Clearwater."

* * *

**GINNY**

Harry was white as the vampires in front of us while he held the Resurrection Stone in his hand. As far as I knew, only Professor Dumbledore and I were aware of what had occurred after Harry left the Great Hall to face Voldemort. Or that Dumbledore had ordered Harry to go and find the stone, lest it fall into the wrong hands. That fact made me wonder why he was eager to have Harry use it so flippantly. Honestly, why did we need to put Harry through this in order to bring, of all people, _Snape _back. _I know that Harry says that he was just misunderstood, but _Snape_?_ What he'd told me about his mother and Snapes' relationship led me to believe that Snape was even more of a creep than we thought he was.

I placed my…fluff, on his arm and whispered, "Harry – you don't have to do this if you don't want to."

He met my eyes, determined. "No, I trust Dumbledore. And I have a few things that I'd like to say to Snape." I squeezed his hand and he smiled down at me, some of the color returning to his face. The fire-breathing had lessoned greatly, but I still wasn't sure that kissing him would be a good idea. I settled for his cheek instead.

Professor Dumbledore was talking animatedly with the vampires and devising a way to bring this other girl here. Harry fisted the stone and closed his eyes, clenching my hand all the while. I was surprised because he'd told me that it was rather simple to summon his parents while he was walking through the forest. Perhaps he was having more difficulty since he did not have such a bond with the two men he was conjuring.

I heard a gasp, echoed around the table by nearly everyone in attendance, as two wispy figures began to take shape behind Harry's chair. They were both scowling.

"Potter!" shouted a familiarly loathsome voice. "Potter what in Merlin's name do you think you are doing? Have you finally lost what little sense you were born with?"

"Yeah, what's the meaning of all this?" growled Moody. The first thing I noticed was that Mad-Eye had not changed since I last saw him. His scars, his magical eye, and his peg-leg were just the way they'd been when he died. Professor Snape, although he was just an illusion, was just as greasy as ever.

"Severus! Alastor! So glad you could join us!"

"Professor I demand to know what we are doing here. I was perfectly fine being dead, so if you don't mind I'd like to continue on as I was."

"Now Severus, please do calm down. I wouldn't want you to injure yourself." Snape scowled and Moody tried to lighten the mood by giving our former professor a hearty clap on the back. Instead, his hand passed straight through the potions master. Moody examined his hand, inconspicuously wiped it on his ghostly robes and glided over to where Tonks was sitting, speechless, with her family.

"Momma? You told me that ghosts weren't real." The adorable little girl with the bone in her hair (Nessie?) reached out a hand to her mother's face. It was strange, because the little girl looked to be near Teddy's age, but the leader'd said that she was only a year old. And her mother! She was younger than me! I couldn't imagine having a child so young. I'd decided to wait to have kids until I was done with Quidditch…or until Harry was done with Auror training…

One of the vampires flinched, then glared in my direction. His eyes flickered back and forth between Harry and I with a knowing expression. _But how much does he know, exactly._ I tried to throw him by picturing myself flying laps about the Quidditch pitch in my team robes before mentally shouting, _'ARE YOU A LEGILLEMEN?'_ He clapped his hands to his ears as my attack caught him by surprise. I smirked. _That's what you get for messing with Ginny Weasley._ He raised his eyes to meet mine and nodded, smiling crookedly.

_Men_.

Harry clutched my arm at the sound of a loud _BANG_. Just then, a girl fell from the sky, landing on a mountain of pillows. I suppose Dumbledore had conjured them to break her fall. The next thing I knew she was crouched down on all fours, her body shaking like mad. She was dressed in clothing that left little to the imagination. Her tattered tank and short shorts were so filthy it looked like she'd been rolling around in a patch of dirt. Still, she was quite pretty with her sleek, chopped-off dark hair and dark skin. _Mum must be having coronary at the state of her._

The dinosaur-man was on his feet instantly, carrying the little girl with him. I was frightened for her, afraid that the wild woman would harm her somehow. "Leah! Hey, it's alright, calm down. You can't shift here right now."

"Jacob Black do not tell me to calm down! How is this alright? I was on my way to hang out with Quil and Embry when all of a sudden I'm fallin' through the air like Dorothy flippin' Gale. That's not normal!" She was breathing heavily, trying to calm herself down. The little girl leapt from the man's arms and carefully approached the wild woman. She relaxed (somewhat) at the sight of a familiar face and the girl reached out to stroke her face. She flinched back but held her ground, allowing the girl to touch her. _What the hippogriff's going on? And who is Dorothy Gale?_

As the girl backed away the woman calmed and stood up, brushing twigs from her shoulder as though nothing had happened. "So. You wanted to see me?" _Who are these people?_ Judging by her dark sking I assumed she was related to Jacob somehow. _Is she a werewolf, too?_ She looked down at herself, at the dinosaur man, and then at the vampires. Her eyes grew wide as she took them in and she burst out laughing. "I'm sorry – but this is by far the weirdest thing you guys have ever done. I wish I had a camera. The boys would _love_ to see this…" She trailed off as she inspected the little girl, once again in the arms of the dinosaur. "Jake, what are you supposed to be? Barney?"

He pouted. "No, I'm Dino."

"And I'm Pebbles! Jakie's my dog," shouted the little girl as she raised a hand clutching the end of a leash that was attached to the collar around the dinosaur's neck. The woman grinned widely and made a whipping motion with her arm and the dinosaur stalked back to his place at the table. Everyone but the girl's parents laughed – they guffawed.

Carlisle stood up to greet his guest. "Leah, I know this happened very quickly, but – "

"Don't worry about it, Doc. Nessie already explained. Once a friend of the leeches, always a friend of the leeches, right? Anyways, these crazies at least smell better than the normal crowd." She turned to Dumbledore, who was standing nearest to her. "Uhh, is there somewhere I can clean up?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 – Let the Games Begin**

**BELLA**

The time Leah spent in the bathroom was filled with awkward silence until Remus started drilling Jake about 'his people'. Still, no one else really knew what to say other than, 'Word is you're a wizard,' or 'What does blood taste like?'

"So then, the moon doesn't affect you at all, and in your case being a wolf is hereditary. How interesting. And silver doesn't bother you, either?"

"Nope. What about you? Do you even look like a wolf when you change?"

"No, silver is not lethal to me, though many would have you believe so. And when I change I – " he paused. "I take on the form of a feral wolf. I have no control over my instincts."

"And you can't change when you want to? That sucks." I was glad that Jake was coming to terms with his burden. According to Remus, he could be much worse off. The Quilleutes were only wolves when there were vampires around – Remus was bitten and now had no control over his situation.

By the time Leah returned – freshly dressed in clothes belonging to Ginny – some of the more severe effects of the candies had worn off. Harry was able to speak without sending us ducking for cover under the table and Hermione and Remus had finally stopped licking themselves…somewhat.

But really, how could I blame him? It hadn't been too long ago that chocolate had appealed to me nearly as much as Edward. I could see the dilemma. The ghosts – they weren't ghosts but I didn't know what else to call them – straightened up as the verbally diarrhetic Leah stood behind Jake's chair. She sized up each of the wizard's in turn, her gaze resting on one of the males at the end of the table for longer than necessary. Edward audibly groaned.

Leah squinted and quickly looked away. The moment was over just as quickly as it had begun. Sure, they were still looking too much like trolls to look at for too long, but I didn't think that they were _that_ ugly. "Alright, what do I do?" she asked in a confused voice.

"Firstly, if you could make your way up here to sit down, I can further explain my plans." The seats were conjured and moved around so that Leah and the two ghosts sat at the head of the table while Dumbledore swung around to sit by one of the carrot-top twins. Alice shoved her mangy hat into Leah's hand as she passed her. "Right then. Leah, may I see that hat?" She all but threw the hat at the old man, glad to be rid of it. I heard rather than saw her wipe her hands on her jeans. "Thank you. The portkey has been deactivated, but it never hurts to be safe. What we'd like to do is have everyone explain their costumes. Leah, Severus, and Alastor are to be our impartial judges and narrow our group down to three contenders, who we will then vote upon. Carlisle, would you start us off?"

"Certainly. This year we resorted to drawing names from," he coughed nervously at the thought of it, "Alice's hat. We were supposed to write down suggestions that correlated to topics we pulled, and those were submitted for the final drawing. My suggestion was a character from _Once and Future King_ by T.H. White. I drew it, and I'm a knight of the Round Table. Esme came with me as a lady of the court."

Next was Jasper's turn. He shot Edward an embarrassed look down the table and they both stood at the same time. I tried not to giggle, but I know they heard me.

_Awkward cough_. "Edward?" hedged Jasper in a forcedly deep voice.

"Fine. I don't know how well-acquainted you would be with American television – " _blank stares_ " – but my _wife,_" he waved his hand in my general direction without looking at me, "submitted _Will & Grace_." Hermione snorted, though it sounded more like she was trying to cough up a hairball. She leaned over to Ron and whispered into his ear. Edward ran a nervous hand through his hair. "We're… ummm… _together_." He motioned his finger back and forth between himself and Jasper.

Some sort of orange liquid shot out of Ron's nose as Hermione's words sunk in. From everyone else's expressions I could tell they'd all caught on. Dumbledore was the only one who wasn't laughing. His light dimmed a bit.

Jasper coughed again, this time sending Edward a sly grin. "You mean our characters are together. I mean, heck we always knew there was something off with you, but I thought that was your absurd preference for stalking humans." Multiple gasps were heard around the table as Edward glared menacingly back at our brother.

Surprisingly enough, Rose saved the day. I owed her one. "What he means is that Edward and Bella began their twisted relationship while she was human." She smiled wickedly, and at that moment I knew I remembered some old saying about chickens and baskets. "The idea was to keep her human for a while, but then he got her knocked up because – "

"Thank you, Rosalie! As always, your gift with words around small children astounds me. Bella? I think you're next." Edward and Jasper sat down quickly and I stood up, wielding my arm with the broken fiberglass egg shell. How Alice had got her hands on that, I still wasn't sure, but I guessed that she'd been in league with Jasper and Emmett from the beginning. _Annoying pixie._

Speaking of Emmett, I shot him a glare for good measure before I spoke. "Well, I have to give all of the credit for my costume to Emmett and Jasper."

"Hey, you can't blame us! I never dumped you," cried Jasper indignantly.

"Yeah, and I never hum – "

"EMMETT!"

"Sorry."

"Anyways, I suppose I was a bit clumsy as a human – " _laughter_ " – alright, a _lot_ clumsy. So I'm Humpty Dumpty." Emmett lost it and tried to explain to me that my costume had nothing to do with my clumsiness, but Rose shut him up before he was able to say anything _too_ embarrassing.

I'm pretty sure that everyone got the idea, though. I sat down, taking in the sight of Leah popping a suspiciously blue candy into her mouth.

Nessie was next and she made Jacob stand up with her. Since it was his idea, Jake had to explain. "Well, I submitted _The Flintstones_, and Nessie drew it, so we came together."

"I made my outfit myself, but Jakie needed help."

"Of – costume – what's – made – your?" Yes. Albus was right to keep our host from speaking.

Nessie stroked her dress and smiled sweetly. "It's made from a kitty I caught when Daddy and I went hunting earlier. Mamma helped me to sew it, though." Her statement was met with wide eyes and clamped mouths. _I don't think that they realized what she considered a 'kitty'._ No matter how much Jake complained, we were all wary of actually letting her have a real pet. Rose said that he would be the only dog she'd allow to live with us.

Hermione recovered and provided further details. "_The Flintstones_ is a muggle cartoon about cavemen. They live in stone houses and keep dinosaurs as pets." Harry was nodding his head like he recognized the show, but how had the rest of them never heard of it? Did wizards have their own television shows?

Leah giggled. We gaped. Leah never giggled. Leah also never wore checkered jumpers or pigtails.

The blue ribbons creeped me out the most. _Oh. They must've given her one of their _special_ candies._ "Jake, I never thought I'd see you house trained, but man did they whip you into shape good."

"You're telling me," grumbled Rose.

"Umm, Leah? What's with the change of clothes?" By this point Jake was used to being the butt of all dog-related jokes. He was almost as good at brushing off snide comments as Rose.

"What? Oh, this? I have absolutely no idea." She examined a pigtail and giggled again, sinking back into her seat. The twins gave each other congratulatory high-fives.

"Yo Catwoman! You wanna explain what the heck I'm supposed to be. I have no idea, and they won't explain." Everyone laughed. We all (mainly Jasper and Edward) decided that explaining the ambiguity of his costume would ruin our fun.

"Ah, alright. You're Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie. Uhh…people think he's a fairy…" The wizards laughed (but not Albus), and I knew enough about the British culture to understand what she meant. Emmett missed the meaning. She explained that _The Teletubbies_ was a TV show developed in Britain for toddlers and had lots of bright colors to keep them entertained.

"Well I know that much! But why does everyone keep laughing at me like I'm some sort of freak?"

Harry leaned over the table to grab Hermione's attention. "Hermione," he whispered. "Do you remember what the rest of them look like?"

"_The Teletubbies_? I suppose so. Why?" Her confused expression mirrored mine.

"Well, I was just thinking…you know the shapes on their heads…do you think that means anything? There's the upside-down triangle, the circle, the line… They just remind me of – "

"You don't really think… Professor?" I think Edward was the only one to understand the exchange.

He stroked his long beard as he thought about the question. "I suppose it's possible. I need to look into it further…" I noticed that Emmett still hadn't gotten a satisfactory reply.

"Em?" Jasper leaned over so he could see his brother at the far end of the table. "The joke is that Tinky Winky is…_happier_ than the other ones." He pointed to Emmett's costume. "He wears tutus and carries purses and, well, yeah."

"You're kidding, right? I thought you and Eddie were supposed to be the fruitcakes, not me. And Alice told me this was a man-bag!"

"Emmett Cullen stop making a fool of yourself and _sit down_ please." Tinky Winky fell into his seat as the evil bride pulled him down. I wasn't sure if I should be frightened of Rose in a wedding dress or if I should pity her. I was leaning more towards the former at the moment. "Well, I think mine was Jasper's idea. I'm Buttercup from _The Princess Br_ – "

"_I need you (I need you!) more than anyone darlin', you know that I have from the sta-art. So build me up (build me up!) Buttercup, don't break my he-art (doo-doo-do-doo)..._ What?" Sirius looked around when he realized that everyone had stopped to listen to him as he sang to himself. "Oh, sorry. Lily used to sing that song back at school. Gets stuck in my head, sometimes." He pointed to the lump of pale yellow and black sitting on his shoulders. I couldn't even guess what he was supposed to be.

"Sirius?"

"Yes Remus?"

"This is just a guess, but is there any chance that you may have sung some of those muggle songs Lily taught you while you were in Azkaban?"

"Firstly, yes."

"That actually explains a lot. No wonder _The Daily Prophet_ kept reporting you'd gone mad."

_Loud cough. _"Secondly, I thought we agreed not to bring that place up ever again. I mean honestly, how hard is it to forget thirteen years of your life? They couldn't have been _that_ eventful – I wasn't there! Besides, I – "

"AHEM!" Rosalie's eyes narrowed into slits as she attempted to turn the conversation back to herself. "Thank you. As I was saying, I'm from the _Princess Bride_. So I'm wearing this god-awful wedding dress."

Alice freaked. "I thought you said you liked the dress!"

"Alice, you know how much I love wedding dresses, but this one is _white_." There was a malicious edge to her voice that nobody missed.

Alice ignored it, though. "So what's your point? Most normal wedding dresses are white."

"Darling the last time I wore a dress like this people got _hurt_."

The purple lump spoke up. "Sweetie, I kinda like it. And I know about that whole avenging angel thing you had going on, but might I add that you look _good_ in white?" Nobody missed Emmett's meaning. I mean, he was so subtle that I think Teddy probably caught it. Satisfied, Rose finally sat down.

The twins looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and stood up. "We developed the candy, so we're taking partial credit for each costume," they announced in unison.

"Let's see. Mum and Dad are like they are because they hate to be out of sorts."

"And ickle Ronnikins is a teensy bit frightened of spiders." Ron's eyes clenched tight as he fought off a shudder.

"Hermione is…Hermione, are you secretly overly affectionate with people?" Hermione huffed indignantly, but it came out as more of a spitting hiss. Her ears flattened and her fur puffed out.

"That _would_ explain the feline form, George."

"Yes, Fred, I think you have a point there."

"Unless she just enjoys spending time in boys laps."

"I don't really think that's the case, here."

"Alright. Ginny looks like a Pigmy Puff because – "

"What's a Pigmy Puff?" giggled Leah. Severus, the nasty-looking ghost sitting beside her, inched away from her girliness.

"My dear woman, a Pigmy Puff is a ball of fur that people keep as pets," Fred clarified.

The pink ball of fur that was Ginny Weasley spoke up. She sounded angry...and squeaky. "Those ninnies gave me a pink one a few years back. Arnold is lovely, but I hadn't thought of ever being mistaken for him." Harry patted what I assumed was her shoulder, although it was hard to tell. She was just a ball of fluff.

"Now Harry, well, he's always been a hothead."

"I resent that."

"Are you sure that this would be considered a hot head? Or is it something else?"

"I see what you mean. Ginny, dearest, we need your opinion." Their matching twisted grins had the poor girl cowering in her fluff. "Would you say that Harry is a hothead more than he has a hot mou – "

"IT – YOU – STOP – BOYS – INSTANT – THIS!" We all looked at Molly Weasley, who was standing and looking as menacing as one can when all of their words are being mixed up. The boys simply shrugged and continued their introductions.

"What about Sirius?"

"He's tricky."

"He's not particularly frightening, as is."

"Though he does have a rather Slytherinesque air about him."

Where Sirius began speaking in a rather snobbish tone, he was soon left shouting in an undignified manner. "Allow me to assist you two fine fellows. My name is Sirius Black – descendant of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black – and I look like my stupid cousin's bloody husband, _Malfoy_." The name came out in a hiss, like it pained him to mention his cousin. "Thusly, I've overturned an inkpot on my head to conceal the shame I feel for looking like the ninny." He glanced up the table at Tonks. "Sound about right, cousin?"

"Marvelously spoken, cousin. Although, were it not for the children, I'm sure a few more _adjectives _to describe my dear Uncle Lucius would have been fitting."

"This is why you are my favorite relation, Tonks." He rested his chin in a hand while he stared off with a pensive look on his face. "Then again I was always partial to hearing stories of Great-Grandmum Bullstrode. Mum used to tell us how she would wallop the little ones with hot frying pans when they misbehaved." He sniffed. "That woman will always hold a special place in my heart."

"Alright, enough of the family stories you two. We don't want to frighten the guests away." Remus was spoon-feeding his son.

Emmett laughed. "You think that you can scare us away that easily?"

"What's say I tickle my dear godson here so he lets loose another fireball," threatened Sirius.

"OK, fine you win. Now what's up with the Candy Man?" I needed to keep them focused. The last thing we needed was for Emmett to challenge one of them to arm wrestling.

Fred pointed to Remus and whispered loudly. "Our dear professor has a secret, you see."

His brother nodded. "Yeah, he's a bit loony, that one."

"Now everyone here already knows that I'm a werewolf. What are you getting' on about?"

"Remus, mate, that's not the particular madness we are discussing."

"We want them to know your _other_ secret."

"What other secret?" He looked completely lost, if not mildly frightened.

"You know, the reason you can never be elected to any position of power."

"Is _that_ what this is about?" cried Remus. Edward was covering his mouth with his hand, shaking slightly.

"Hey! Not all of us know everything, you know, Edward!" shouted Alice. "What's he talking about?"

"Sorry, m'dear," George drolled in a thick Scottish accent. He clasped his hands together in a solemn manner and closed his eyes dramatically before fixing us all with a serious gaze. "Remus Lupin – "

" – thinks that – "

" – now this doesn't apply to everything, mind you – "

" – all of the world's problems can be solved with – "

" – chocolate," all of the wizards chorused together. This seemed to already be common knowledge.

Remus shook his head, sending tiny bits of chocolate flying in every direction. "How does that make me crazy? I have it on good authority that chocolate is the greatest cure there is."

"I have to agree with him." Now everyone's eyes were on me. "Well, I was human not so long ago, and while I would never consume any now, I remember how much I loved to eat chocolate. Oh! And MacGyver used chocolate to stop an acid leak, so it must be true."

Emmett rested his chin in his palm and looked at me like I'd said the most interesting thing in the world. "Really Bella? MacGyver?"

"What? Renee went through a MacGyver phase. I remember that one because there was something about Richard Dean-Anderson and chocolate that – oh, you know what? Nevermind."

"No Bella, please continue." Edward's eyes told me that no amount of duct tape or ball-point pens would get Ricky Dean out of this one alive.

"Edward, I was only trying to agree with Remus."

Tonks nodded her head vigorously. "Think about it. What do you eat after you face a dementor?"

"Chocolate," responded all of the wizards. _What on earth is a dementor?_

"What do you eat when it's that special time of the month?"

"Chocolate," replied all females and Remus. Jake laughed at that, but sobered up once he figured out what Remus was talking about. He changed his vote as well, no doubt remembering when he went through his change.

"What do you give your woman to tell her you love her?"

"Time at the mall."

"Quidditch gear."

"Home décor magazines."

"Engine parts."

"Big, dusty books."

"Nothing." I slugged Edward good for that one.

"Prongs always liked to spin Snivellus upside down in the air for your mum, Harry, but I don't think she really liked it when he did that."

"I didn't like it much either, but then who's to listen to me?" murmured Snape dejectedly. I could only assume he was 'Snivellus.'

"Sorry, Sniv, but I don't think being dead gives you the right to make people listen to you. No hard feelings?"

"In your dreams, Black."

"No. Not really. I somehow possess the fortitude necessary to prevent you from ever entering my nighttime ponderings."

"Chocolate!" screeched Tonks. "You give her chocolate! Blimey, no wonder you blokes have such trouble with us."

The pink fluff spoke. "What were we talking about again?"

"Well, darlingest sister o' mine, we were discussing why Loony Lupin over here is so mad."

"Because he would've tried to send Death Eaters chocolate to win the war."

"But his wife has decided to defend him."

"I think she's beaten us, boy-that-looks-like-me."

"I agree, face-in-the-mirror."

"Momma! That boy turned a different color!" yelped my daughter. I was surprised to hear her vocalize her thoughts. Normally when she was upset she used her power to let us know what's going on.

We all turned and saw that the little boy who was before covered in blue fur was now covered in pink fur. "I wanted to match Ginny," he said through his mouthful of orange mush.

"How'd he do that?" Jasper didn't like things he didn't understand, but I still laughed at the fact that the little boy frightened him.

Teddy looked Jasper dead in the eye before his eyes scrunched in concentration. "I'm a metagus – a meatamorf – oh, I still can't say it."

"Metamorphmagus, dear."

"Yeah, that's what I am. Mum is too," he beamed proudly.

"What's that mean supposed to mean?"

"It means we can change our appearance at will. You know, hair color, relative shape, that sort of thing. We're quite rare, actually." Teddy winked in agreement and changed his fur to match his father's brown coloring. Remus gave him an affectionate scratch behind the ears.

"But Teddy is by far the most special of them all."

"What's that supposed to mean, Sirius? Are you implying that there is something wrong with my son?"

"Of course not, Moony. I was merely suggesting that –"

Dumbledore took charge again. "Shall we continue, then?"

Fred (or was it George?) nodded and watched as Teddy noisily tore into a drumstick. "The little guy here is – "

" – a multicolored werepup." Remus slammed his forehead down onto the table so hard I thought he may chip his head.

"Very well-put, womb-mate."

"Yes, I thought so." He puffed out his chest before examining the woman next to him. He looked her over and his chest deflated to normal size again. "Tonks, I've no idea what you're supposed to be."

"She does look quite ridiculous, though."

"I think she looks kinda like a jackalope." The wizards stared at Jasper in shock and horror. I thought that the antlers and fluffy tail were a clear indication of jackalope-ness, so what was the problem?

Remus spoke up cautiously. "Jackalopes don't look like that. The term was stolen by muggles and applied to a mythical creature resembling a jack rabbit and an antelope."

"You're sayin' jackalopes are real!" His accent broke through here.

"Yes, unfortunately."

I couldn't help myself. "What do they look like?"

The chocolate man shook his head again. He did that a lot, I'd noticed. I wonder if being a werewolf gave him fleas, so he was just used to shaking his head. "You really don't want to know."

"Of course we do!" boomed Emmett, lover of all things strange and unnatural. I refused to accept the title myself and gave it to him. Clearly he deserved it more than me because he married his wife and was nearly killed by a bear.

Dumbledore sighed. He did that a lot, too. "I will explain, Remus." Remus nodded, glad to be relieved his burden. "The first jackalope was bred many years ago using dark magic. The creator, a wizard by the name of – Carlisle, I wonder if you've heard of him – Henry Hyde? – was obsessed with the concept of duality. He developed a potion, oh Severus, what was the name of it?"

The ghost-thing cleared his throat and sat up straighter. "The potion had no name, but it is believed to be the earliest in the search for the _Wolfsbane_ potion. Obviously, this potion had the opposite effect on its drinkers."He nodded to Remus, smirking to himself. That guy was just creepy. I cringed at what he must have been like alive. Even dead, he _still_ looked like a greasy creeper.

"Yes! That's what it was. Thank you, Severus. As I was saying, Henry Hyde's work led him to create a potion that brought out one's inner demon. We all know that humans…or anything, really," he amended when he remembered that there were no _humans_ present, "can be both good and evil. Some are both. When this potion was in its early stages, it was tested upon lab animals. Firstly, a rodent."

"Lemme guess, it turned into an R.O.U.S." Emmett was way beyond obsessed with that movie. Rose would probably burn it when we got home. Not that he didn't have multiple copies stashed in secret places around the country, but Rose didn't need to know that. Yet.

"R.O.U.S.? I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with the term."

Jasper explained. "The big oaf means 'Rodents of Unusual Size', R-O-U-S."

"Ah yes! That is where the concept spawned from."

I got excited. "Really? I thought they were just made up."

Edward chuckled to himself, his hair bouncing distractingly as he did so. I told him that if he was going as Will he had to die his hair black, but then that made us wonder what would happen if the die didn't work like it was supposed to. I couldn't risk the fate of his hair on that, so we kept it normal. "Bella, when are you ever going to learn that most _myths_ are partially true, or evolved from something that did exist."

"Fine. What about the Easter Bunny? Where did that story come from?"

Jacob laughed. "Don't stop there – where did the Loch Ness monster come from?"

"Bella," chimed in the rest of my family. I frowned. Edward moved to harm the offender, realized his daughter was tucked away safely in the wolfs' arms, and frowned. My frown was more impressive, though. This joke was _really_ getting old. I hoped Renesmee bit him later. Carlisle composed himself enough to get us back on topic. He was _so_ not my favorite dad anymore.

Albus continued his explanation. "Right. He eventually tested the potion on an animal that had been brought back from Africa by a friend. It seems the counter identity of an antelope is a jackal. The hybrid was bred as a companion animal, but the results were disastrous. As you can imagine, an ordinary antelope prancing about in the backyard is hardly menacing. The creature then turns into a bloodthirsty animal and attacks anything in the near vicinity before they know what hits them."

Esme coughed.

Jasper frowned.

Remus winced, a guilty look marring his chocolate features.

Molly looked terrified, her eyes dancing back and forth along our side of the table.

Teddy laughed, unaware of the tension.

His mother, though, acted as if nothing out of the ordinary had been said. "Well I think we've established that I'm not a jackalope, then. What _am_ I supposed to be?"

Sirius, who was studying her closely, suddenly leapt from his seat, knocking it over as he ran towards his cousin. "I get it! Moony! Do you get it? The tail's a bit stunted, but aside from that, she couldn't be anything else!"

"Padfoot, what in Merlin's name are you barking about now?"

"She's the _Fifth Marauder_! Can't you see it?" Sirius was laughing insanely (it did remind me of barking) as he wiped away some ink that had dripped into his eye. His depressing features did not match his mood.

"Oh Sirius, that was just a joke! We never actually recruited her – "

Harry covered his mouth with a hand before speaking. "I thought there were only four of you – my dad, you two, and…and Wormtail. Who's the fifth one?"

"What are you two hens cackling about? I'm no Marauder. You always told me it was 'lads only'." Tonks huffed and slopped a spoonful of something that looked like chunky green pudding on Teddy's plate.

Sirius sniffed. "Well, you remember how your mum would have James and I watch you when you were little?" She blushed and nodded. "Well, we used to joke about you being more of a bloody nightmare than us and how you would make a fine Marauder when you were all grown up. But, you never had an alternate identity. _Remus_, our ever-astute scholar, once suggested that you should be a mix of all of us, since you morphed so well. You've got Prongs' antlers and Wormtails' whiskers – "

"I don't want Wormtail's anything – "

" – and your tail seems to be a mix of Moony and I. The ears are of questionable origin, though. Probably a bit of all of us. Doesn't matter, though. Congratulations, cousin, you have finally completed our dream of inducting a fifth Marauder to our merry bunch." Remus glowered at his friend while Sirius bounded back to his fallen chair. All the while, Edward quickly and quietly filled us in on what a 'Marauder' was. Jacob was especially interested when he got to the Animagus part. Wizards were not born with the ability to shift, but some were able to learn how. I was having a lot of difficulty trying to picture the severe blonde as a shaggy black dog.

One of the twins shuddered before finishing their explanations. "Right, and our dear ol' Professor here is bright and shiny because…"

"Hmmm…"

"Well, I suppose he's always like that. Fred?"

"Quite right, George."

"That just leaves us, then."

"Obviously, you two are trolls. No more explanation is needed," squeaked Ginny. The two trolls faced each other and nodded in unison.

"Thank you, boys, you may sit down now. I believe the fair thing would be to allow our judges time to deliberate amongst themselves before they choose their favorites."

Leah giggled again, finally realized she was giggling, frowned, then giggled some more. "I feel funny."

Jake snorted. "Well, Dorothy, that's what you get when you eat the nice wizard's special candy. But then, I don't think I could very well order you back to Kansas now, could I?" She glared at him, then looked nervously at the troll closest to her. She looked upset, but at the same time she couldn't fight that idiotic grin off of her face. It suddenly hit me. Leah staring at that twin. Fred, I think it was. And the _giggling_. Something changed. _She's imprinted?_ Edward nodded, cringing at someone's thoughts. Now I was _really_ glad that we'd skipped over imprinting when we were introduced.

"Alastor, would you care to begin?"

The scarred man frowned, deepening the crevices of his face. If not for the fact that he was covered in nearly as many scars as Jasper his whirring eye would have made me laugh. "Well, firstly I gotta rule out Albus, Fred, George, Tonks, Teddy, Ginny, Arthur and Emmett. Your disguises are pathetic an' draw too much attention. You can't go walkin' aroun' like that and hope to blend in. Innocent or not, yeh'd still be shot with a killin' curse on sight." He shook his grizzled head in what appeared to be shame.

Tonks tried to speak up. "Mad-Eye, that's really not what we're – "

"Now Tonks, hold your tongue an' let me finish. Rosalie, Alice, and Bella, and Esme can't win because they don't look intimidating enough."

Rose was mad. "I'll show you intimidating," she growled while her husband physically restrained her. Moody ignored her.

"Hermione, Ron, Remus, Nessie, and Jacob are all too vulnerable. A hot sun comes out an' Remus is gone. Carlisle – what's the point? Your skin's already thick. You don't need more armor. And Jasper and Edward need to learn to stay outta others' affairs." Jasper growled while Edward laughed.

"What about me?" piped Sirius.

"Oh, you. I forgot about you. Ya look too much like Malfoy not ta get thrown back in Azkaban." Sirius cowered at the name. What was this place they kept talking about. It sounded like a prison or something.

Severus sneered. "I suppose that leaves Potter, doesn't it."

"Yes. Harry could sneak aroun' and take someone by surprise with that firebreath o' his. I vote Harry." The grizzled man-ghost-thing turned to the greasy man-ghost-thing next to him.

"I would like to take this opportunity to commend Black on the improvements he's made in regards to his appearance. Though, I must vote for Ginny, because she's the only one who is completely unrecognizable. Black's stupidity still ruins his disguise." His voice was bored. For some reason, Harry looked like he was about to incinerate the man. Ginny squeaked in surprise. What was I missing? I tried to ask Edward, but he just shook his head. His expression was somewhere between shock, confusion, and disgust.

Sirius was outraged. "How dare you call me dumber than I look! Malfoy's a right mental ar – "

"ARF!" barked Teddy. I was glad he chose that moment to begin lapping up the drink in his goblet like a dog. Remus waved his wand and removed the liquid slopped all down his son's front. He shot Severus a questioning, frightened look. Severus ignored him and motioned for Leah to proceed. Yes. I was missing something.

"Well, as someone who has to take shifts running past their cottage, I have to say that Bella's costume describes her pretty well." _That's it. I'm taking them all down. Right now._ "But then Jake's does, too. And I love chocolate…but then there's Jasper and Edward, because I always knew you guys were overcompensating for something with those cars."

"Just so you know, I don't actually have a car. Edward's the one with a Volvo."

Edward groaned. "Leah, I hope you realize that everything you just said contradicted itself. Both Bella and my costumes can't describe us."

"You never know." She smiled lewdly.

Whatever mental barrage she directed towards Edward had him ready to gouge his eyes out. "Stop! Stop! I give! No more! Gah! How on earth do you know about that?"

"I'm not telling. Now where was I? Oh right, my loyalty is to my pack, right? So Nessie and Jake, you've got my vote."

"Leah, you're supposed to vote as an impartial observer," stated Carlisle.

"Trust me, Carlisle, Fearless Leader and the cave girl win. Although the trolls are rather interesting…" Her eyes sort of glazed over when she looked at the twins. Fred returned her gaze with an equally sappy expression. I didn't know what was scarier – angry Leah or lovey-dovey Leah.

"Leah – just stop," growled Edward. I wondered when this was all going to come out. Part of me wanted to be here, while the other part was screaming to run away as fast as I could, which was saying something.

Albus waved his wand and cleared the table, including the forkful Jake had raised towards his mouth. The serving platters were replaced by strips of thick paper, feathered writing quills, and tiny ink wells. "If everyone could please cast their vote on a slip of parchment, we shall allow the hat – "

"His name is Dennis," interrupted Alice.

" – we shall allow _Dennis_ to chose a winner." As soon as we finished writing down the name of our vote, the slips of paper flew into Alice's hat. Once the final vote was collected, a single slip shot out of the hat and into Albus's waiting hand. He looked around at each of us before saying in loud clear voice, "Jacob."

The opposite side of the table turned all eyes towards Nessie, obviously waiting for the waterworks to begin. They were all disappointed when she flung herself at Jake and wrapped her arms around his neck in delight. "See Jakie? I _told_ you that it was a good costume. You should listen to me more." Emmett snorted and he and Leah both made whipping motions and sounds again. Jake laughed along with the rest of us.

Carlisle and Dumbledore shared a look and the headmaster rose from his chair and began moving his wand about in a series of complicated maneuvers. I had no idea what he was doing, but then I wasn't the only one. A flash of green and a blackboard appeared behind the judges' table. A piece of enchanted chalk floated in front and began writing. When the chalk finished scribing the board read: '_Vampires: 1, Wizards: 0_'.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 – The Angst-Off Begins**

**SCORE**

**Vampires: 1 Wizards: 0**

**GINNY**

"Mrs. Lupin, would it be alright if Teddy and I played for a little while?" We were all stunned by the little girl's polite request, and even more so by the careless manner in which Tonks waved her wand and vanished her son's restraints. Quicker than I could blink Nessie was by Teddy's side and they ran off to a corner of the yard to play with some toys Teddy'd brought with him. Mum shifted nervously in her chair.

Noticing her distress, Bella spoke up in her daughter's defense. "Don't worry, she doesn't bite."

"She bites me," Jake mumbled.

"Yes, but that's only because you let her, idiot." Bella did not seem happy that her child bit people. If I thought about it too much, I'm sure I would be upset as well.

"Well it's not like I'd let her if she was poisonous," he countered.

The knight, or doctor, or whatever he was spoke up. "We prefer the term 'venomous', Jacob."

"Sure, sure, Doc. I get it. But to me it's pretty much all the same thing."

Remus jumped into the conversation at this point. "So then maybe we aren't as different as I thought." I allowed the conversation to fade to the back of my mind and concentrated on what was happening at the head of the table. Fred was acting really strange… I mean, strange for him. And the way that girl was _giggling_. It reminded me of Phlegm, who I really wished was here right now so we could compare her to the new girl.

"Well I'm going to bed." Dad was grumpy. I decided that it was a side-effect of his bout of laughter earlier. He looked really tired. Mum, who'd recovered her ability to speak properly, was clearly debating between remaining out here to protect her children from the bad monsters and following Dad to bed. Prof. Dumbledore waved her away, and that seemed to be enough for her. His glow had faded, as had the rest of our disguises. Hermione still had a tail for her costume, though, because she'd eaten her candy last.

Oh, and so did the werewolf slut who kept giggling at my brother, much to Snape's dismay. She was back to wearing _my clothes_, but the pigtails remained.

"I hate to interrupt your conversation, Remus, but I'm sure you will have an opportunity to discuss matters later. Right now I'd like to get down to business." Dumbledore looked happy, so I assumed that whatever we were going to discuss would be pleasant.

"Sorry, but I need to change before we do anything else. This suit is getting a little too toasty for me." Jacob was visibly sweating, but I couldn't see why. It was late October and quite chilly out. His suit seemed like a more suitable costume than Nessie's. The poor thing had to be freezing! I caught Edward laughing at me again. I glared at him for reading my thoughts. I thought that the Occlumency shield I'd put up earlier was working.

Obviously not.

"How thoughtless of me! Just a moment, please." He muttered something under his breath and suddenly everyone was back to normal… or, normal for our group, that is. The others were in normal clothing as well, which surprised me for some reason. _Shouldn't vampires wear cloaks or something? _Happy to now be in possession of limbs, I grabbed Harry's hand under the table again. This time I noticed that I was being watched by the taller blonde vampire. He looked between Harry and I, shook his head, and grabbed Alice's hand.

_Can he hear what I'm thinking, too?_ I tried picturing Harry's bare bum again when Edward let out a strangled yelp. Jasper looked at me with a wicked grin. Suddenly I was really sleepy. I was falling towards Harry's lap before I was suddenly wide awake and I couldn't stop my leg from bouncing. And then I realized just where my head was. Harry gripped my hand tighter and asked me what the problem was. Honestly, I didn't know what my problem was. That was when I saw Esme chiding Jasper. I instantly calmed down. _Was he somehow doing that to me?_ Edward coughed and I met his eyes. He nodded.

_Merlin's underpants, these vampires are going to kill me._

"There now. Everyone cozy? Good. Carlisle, I believe this was your idea. Care to explain to everyone why we've brought them here tonight?" Déjà vu.

Remus read my mind…but not in the literal way that Edward did. "I thought it was because I wanted to meet Jacob."

Carlisle leaned forward in his seat before speaking. "I'm sorry, Remus, but that was only part of the reason. Honestly, the real reason you are all here tonight is because all of you, two in particular, are in need of an intervention. As a doctor, I'm taking it upon myself to facilitate."

Edward, who had before appeared so calm and level-headed, began sputtering like an idiot. Jasper laughed. "As a registered psychologist, I have to agree with Carlisle's diagnosis. Edward needs help."

Ron, no longer scared silent by the sight of himself, found his voice. "Right, and how can you be so sure that it's not about you?"

"RONALD!" gasped Hermione.

"What? C'mon, he is a _vampire_, after all."

Jasper smiled. "Trust me, I'm the normal one in the family."

"You're kidding, right? That's clearly Esme's role." Rosalie flipped her long hair over her shoulder in a manner that indicated boredom.

"No, we talked about this. Carlisle and Esme are the parents, Alice is – sorry, darlin', but it's true – the pushy one, Edward's the teen angst, Bella's the comic relief, Nessie's the cute one, Jake's the dog, Rose is the mechanic, and Emmett's the – "

"I'm so glad you brought it up, Jasper. Now…Albus has something to say." Dumbledore raised an questioning eyebrow at Carlisle before composing himself.

He turned towards Harry and I. Harry gulped. "Harry, you know that I love you –" Sirius coughed loudly. " – like a _son_, but you have a problem and you know it." He lowered his chin and looked over his spectacles at Harry.

"Well yeah, he has a problem. I mean, the kid was breathing fire a little bit ago." Emmett looked smug. Idiot.

"That's not what I'm referring to."

Edward finally stopped opening his mouth like a fish out of water and shouted, "You guys can't be serious!"

"I am," said Sirius.

Dumbledore ignored them. "Harry, we're talking about angst. You know you have a problem."

"With all due respect Professor, I don't think this is necessary. I'm perfectly normal."

"You know that we wouldn't be here if you were."

"Ya got that right, Professor," chuckled George.

"Ha! If Harry was normal, he'd be dead."

"Actually, so would the rest of us…"

Bella tapped her chin thoughtfully. "You know Edward, they have a point."

He looked down on her, shocked that she would be against him as well. "Do you understand just how many times they've done this to me before we met?"

"And after," added Alice.

"Dude, you had one class with her and ran away to Alaska," chortled Emmett.

"But I'm fine now!" _Silence_. "Think what you will, but there is _no way_ that I'm as bad as he is," he stated firmly while pointing to Harry. He plopped down into his seat, pouting.

Bella was shaking her head. "I'm afraid I can't make an informed decision until I have all of the facts."

"Exactly. We don't know anything about Edward. What makes him more angsty than Harry?" I probably should have kept that statement to myself, but I wasn't going to keep silent just because Harry'd –

Harry whipped around to face me. "Excuse me?"

"Oh, come off it, Harry." Sirius punched his shoulder softly before returning his attention to the head of the table…which Fred was leaning across in order to present his lady fair with a flower he'd just conjured. _Idiot_. "Judges? Hello?"

"I think it's a great idea." Leah shot Edward a maniacal look and raked her finger across her throat in a slitting motion. Edward cowered, knowing he wasn't going to get his way.

"Absolutely not." _I thought Snape would enjoy picking on Harry. Hmm…_

"Excellent!" trilled Alice. I promised myself that I would never poke fun at Luna ever again. Alice's perpetually good humor was far more obnoxious than talk of 'nargles'. "In order to do this properly, we must first return to the beginning. It was the year 1918 – Chicago. The Spanish Influenza was sweeping through the city like a plague, when – " Edward cut Alice off, demanding that she be less dramatic. "You know Edward, this is for your own good. Just sit back and take it – I'm pretty sure you're a pro at that by now. Anyways, everyone was dying and Edward got sick and before his mom died, she begged Carlisle to help him. This is how the boy that was Edward Masen died and became the vampire we today know as Edward Cullen."

Jasper picked up the story. "You see, Edward was changed at the very impressionable age of seventeen. The stresses of his change, his adoption, and learning to come to terms with his new identity as a vampire abstaining from human blood weighed heavily upon young Edward."

"This narration you have going on is gripping and everything, but I still think Harry's childhood was more stressful." We were all in agreement with Remus. "Harry was only a baby when his parents were murdered.

Sirius, who was happy to be back to his normal, dark-haired and smiley self, was eager to take over. "Allow me to give you the details. James and Lily got married," Snape made a sound of disgust, "much to the displeasure of Snivellus, and Harry was born some time later. Naturally, they made me the little bloke's godfather. The time came when they needed a Secret Keeper to keep them secret. We kept hearing stories about Remus being recruited by the other side because of his monthly problem, and James wanted me to be Secret Keeper because I was his best mate and all, but I figured that I would be the obvious candidate and made Peter do it instead. I mean, me an' James were like twins, but not as annoying as those two over there. Turns out the little rat was actually working for the snake and turned 'em over. On Halloween, come to think of it. So the snake comes and knocks the door down, kills James and goes after Lily, who runs to save Harry. He kills Lily and goes after Harry, but the spell backfires and kills him instead. Only he's not really dead – just his body is." Everyone sat in silence while Harry stared at his plate, clutching my hand in a death-grip. I rubbed soothing circles over the back of his hand with my thumb. I hated that they were doing this to him and I felt like it was partially my fault for goading them on.

"Now this is where it gets really interesting. A week prior to this the Fidelius Charm was cast on their house. Everyone thought _I_ was the Secret Keeper and that I betrayed the Potters. It made sense since I was James' best mate and we swapped to Wormy at the last minute and the rest of my family is into all that deranged Dark Magic nonsense. Not me though. I gave my motorbike to Hagrid to fly Harry to Albus because I knew that Wormy was the only one who could've done it. I chased him down and would have killed the fat rat ba – sorry, sorry, children, I know – _bad man_, but the dolt blew up the street and left behind a finger, leaving me to rot in Azkaban for killing him and that crowd of people he blew up." Everyone was staring at Sirius like he really was insane. I knew the specifics of the story and _still_ had trouble following along. "I got out though, because I'm bloody Sirius Black."

Remus quietly coughed into a fisted hand. "Padfoot, we were talking about Harry's problems, not yours."

"So, an accurate summation of all of this is that Edward's family met its demise due to inadequate immune systems while Harry's family was attacked by a deranged lunatic bent on world domination," concluded Rose.

"Ah, but don't forget the part where they were both saved by, what, the power of love?" interjected Jasper. Alice began humming to herself and swaying back and forth with a dreamy look on her face. Jasper began muttering something about hating Celine Dion. I assumed she was a singer. _She can't be any worse than Celestina Warbeck, though…_

"You know Jasper, for an empath you're pretty insensitive."

"Who's the psychologist here, Bella? That's what I thought. Shut up or we'll pull you into this discussion."

"Actually," Carlisle hedged sheepishly, "I was hoping to save that for later."

"What!" shrieked Bella. "You said we were here to talk about Edward and Harry's problems, not the rest of us."

"Bella, you know that no one is going to take your side in this." Jake was watching Nessie like a concerned babysitter. I looked to see that she was holding herself in a handstand while Teddy tried to morph his features to match hers. He was having trouble with the hair color, though.

"Ha, so like we were saying, I was turned into a vampire and Carlisle and the rest had to deal with my mood swings until I met Bella," Jasper cleared his throat loudly and shook his head. Edward ignored him. "How terrible were your years before Hogwarts, Harry?"

The question was intercepted and answered by Sirius, who had taken it upon himself to speak on behalf of his godson. "As mentioned before, James and Lily made me Harry's godfather." _Really? We never would have guessed, the way you act like a mother hen around him._ "If I hadn't been imprisoned for absolutely no reason – "

"Now Sirius, there was quite a lot of evidence stacked against you that would suggest otherwise." Tonks seemed to have forgotten that her son was playing with a vampire, or that they were being carefully watched by a werewolf that was _not_ her husband.

" – then Harry would have come to live with me and he would have been raised in the wizarding world. I would have told him all about his parents and how they died trying to protect him. _Instead…_ Albus had him sent to live with his _relations_. Urgh." Of anyone, I'm pretty sure that Sirius understood best what it was like to have…unsupportive family members. He gave Harry a solemn look. "I think the Dursleys must've been Blacks at some point."

Esme could have given my mother's pity a run for its money, she looked so upset. "Harry, dear, what exactly did these people do to you?"

"Hmmm… Firstly they, well no, that's not right. The _very_ first thing they did was set up my room in the hall cupboard. The _second_ thing they did was tell me that my parents were killed in a _car accident_. They told me that my mum married a no-account unemployable and that they crashed the car and died."

"Oh, but don't forget the part where they hid your Hogwarts letter from you."

"They didn't just hide it – we moved to a shack on some island in the middle of nowhere so the post couldn't reach us. Hagrid had to bust me out."

"Fred, that reminds me of the time we borrowed dad's car to bust Harry out so he could come stay with us."

"Didn't you tell us they slid a tray of food for you under the door?"

"And the bars on his windows!"

Esme looked like she was about to have a heart attack. "How old were you?"

"Twelve, by that point. But I still say that Dudley's spare room with the bars was better than my cupboard. I at least had a proper bed in there." Harry was laughing about all of this, but I knew him better than to be fooled by the mask he was wearing. The fact that his only living relations had treated him so poorly hurt him deeply. He never really talked about his life before Hogwarts, and now I knew why. Perhaps Dumbledore was right – getting all of this out in the open would be good for us all. To the best of my knowledge, Harry had not made any attempt to reach them after the war ended.

I stroked his arm to get his attention. "I'm afraid that I must admit that Dudley's clothes did absolutely nothing for your physique." Harry finally laughed a real laugh, and I knew my mission was a mild success.

"I don't think those clothes would have been snug on a baby whale. Sometimes I wondered if his underwear had been worn by one, though."

On the other side of the table, Alice was fuming in her seat. Jasper was trying to calm her down but she began shouting anyways. "Are you telling me that they made you wear _hand-me-downs?_ And they didn't even _fit?_ What kind of sick people are they?" Next she was shouting at her family. "Alright, I never want to hear _any_ complaints from you guys about the clothes that I buy you ever again. Hear that Bella? _Ever again_!" Bella nodded obediently and Alice huffed loudly, slamming her back into her seat so hard that I thought I heard a cracking sound. And those were plush chairs, too.

"Alright, I think we've established that your childhood sucked worse than mine, Harry, but for the past ninety years or so I've been forced to listen to the innermost thoughts of everyone around me." Edward shot me a pointed glare. "And most are thoughts are about things that I could live without knowing about."

Tonks was interested. "You're a Legilimens?"

"Not exactly. When you become a vampire, it is common for certain abilities you possessed as a human to become more advanced than others. Without consciously doing anything, I can hear what everyone around me is currently thinking." He shook his head, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him.

"Well, not _everyone_ around you." Bella was apparently immune to Edward's mind-invading skills. She was also quite pleased with that fact. I was caught between being proud that I'd figured out his ability on my own, embarrassed that he'd seen me picturing Harry riding a broomstick naked, or upset that I now had to censor my thoughts.

"Seriously, do any of you realize how much the average person thinks about sex? And vampires are worse…" he trailed off into a convulsive shudder.

"Oh Edward, stop being so dramatic. I have to see everything ahead of time." Alice waved a hand dismissively in his direction. "It's not like you don't ever have those kinds of thoughts yourself."

"Yeah!" Jasper jumped in, now. "And I have to _feel_ all of that… tension, you know."

"And in addition to experiencing that for myself, I have to see how both of your minds respond to all of that!"

Alice slammed her fist down onto the table. "Edward, you think I really enjoy seeing Bella naked all of the time?"

"Shut up you guys. People seeing Bella naked is old news – I want to hear more about this crazy guy that tried to take over the world. What's his name again?" _Huh. Emmett can be mature._

"Tom," replied Harry and Dumbledore at the same time.

"Wow. That's kinda lame. I mean, if I was gonna take over the world, I'd call myself something cool."

"Like what, Emmett?" Jacob was distractedly tugging at the collar of his shirt. I couldn't believe that he was hot in that thin shirt.

"I don't know. Maybe… 'The Dread Vampire McCarty'. Hey, it's better than 'Tom'."

"Actually, Tom Marvolo Riddle terrorized the wizarding community under the alias 'Lord Voldemort'. For many years witches and wizards alike were frightened to speak the name. Instead they called him 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' or 'You-Know-Who'." Dumbledore smiled. He was always amused by the stupidity of certain dark wizards.

Carlisle laughed. "Calling him such, I'm surprised the name Tom stuck around at all."

"Emmett, just so you know, your terrorist name would be 'Olord Keepawaydabear'."

"Nice one, Blondie."

"Thanks, Mutt."

Snape was wearing a particularly aweful sneer on his nasty face. "Are you people entirely incapable of finishing a conversation without digression?"

"Uh, there's like twenty," '_Nineteen!_' "sorry, nineteen of us out here talking about the same thing. Digression can hit anyone when you least expect it."

"Emmett, we got the TiVo so you could skip those stupid drug commercials."

"Well I have to watch as much TV as I can because unlike Alice, I never know when you're going to throw a hissy fit and break the TV, Edward!"

"I do _not_ throw 'hissy fits.'"

"Yes you do."

"And what has that got to do with you watching commercials?"

Harry smacked himself in the forehead. "So like we were saying, Tom tried to kill me…what, 6 times?"

"Six? Nah, has to've been more'n 'at, mate," mumbled Ron around some candy he found in his pocket.

"I'm not talking about all of the times I was attacked – just the times he came after me himself."

Hermione turned her back on Ron to ignore the loud smacking sound the candy was causing. "Harry, does that include your first Quidditch match? He tried to get you then." She looked nervously at Professor Snape when she finished with a blush. _Oh yeah! Hermione set him on fire their first year!_

"Oh yeah! I always forget that it wasn't…anyways, I guess that makes it seven times. I've lost count of everything else. Too many Dementors."

"Dude, he's worse than Bella…" Bella shot Jake a glare. He shrugged his massive shoulders and went to join the children. After a moment he was crawling around on the ground with Teddy and Nessie on his back.

"But that's not really the worst part. Your scar, Harry." She was whispering, but the looks on the vampires faces all said that they could hear her.

Sirius nodded his head vigorously. "I agree with her. That link thing was just plain creepy."

"From what I can gleam from your thoughts, Harry, you shared a link with this Tom person? I don't understand what – oh!" Harry's face was dark, a mix of anger and sadness in his eyes. He only ever looked that way when he talked about his mother's death. "I see. Well, I still think mine is worse."

"Worse than what, Edward?" I think I liked Esme the best of them. She seemed to be the only one concerned with Harry's feelings.

Edward cringed. "The link made him hear Tom's thoughts from miles away. He felt the anger and pleasure Tom felt each time he killed."

"Each time he touched me I could hear my mother screaming like she did the night he killed her."

Sirius scoffed. "Not to mention the fact that he used that link to his own advantage by sending Harry false information. Nearly got me killed, the wanker. No, Harry, of course I didn't mean you. But Edward, I can't see how you've experienced worse than hearing your mother dying. My mother screams, but that's why we have the curtain to muffle her protestations. She doesn't seem to like it…"

Before Edward could answer, Hermoine had to be Hermione. "Is protestations even a word? I don't think it is."

"Of course it is, the old dog said it, didn't he?" I was grateful that George was paying attention to the fact that we had company. The way Fred was acting, it was like he and Leah were holed up in an empty classroom.

And they were sitting four seats away from each other. _I think Fleur is my new best friend._

"Harry, imagine that you could hear what this Tom character wanted _all_ of the time, as well as the wishes of his followers. Add into the scenario their capture of Ginny. Granted, your ability to hear them would be limited by distance, but you were around them enough that I think you get the picture." Edward reached for Bella's hand the same time that Harry reached for mine.

I turned to meet his eyes. His pain was clear. _Why is Edward doing this to him? Can't he see how much this hurts him to remember?_ I was about to unleash the power of a Weasley-woman glare on Edward when I noticed that Bella had beaten me to it. But she was glaring at my Harry instead of Edward. She looked like a crazy woman. Her eyes were bouncing around, probably judging the quickest and easiest way to jump across the table and suck him dry. My fingers were twitching as I unconsciously reached for my wand. Nobody looked at Harry that way and got away with it.

Especially not someone named _Bella_.

Harry's voice startled me. "Alright, I'll give you that one." _What! I was just about to get my hex on…_

Leah laughed. It was refreshing, for once, because it was deep and gruff and lacking the feminine giggle that was grating on my last nerve. "So the score's 'Sir Sucksalot: 1, Scarface: 1'. Carry on, boys," she called with a wave.

Harry and Edward were both deep in thought. Were they seriously trying to come up with more pathetic things about themselves to win this silly competition? Idiots.

"Well, I died…"

"So did I."

Rosalie yawned. "And how is that, exactly? I can hear your heart beating from here." I was going into hyper-defense mode, now. There was no way that Rose was going to make Harry look stupid.

I mean, he's friends with Ron. Harry is fully capable of making _himself_ look stupid.

_Curse my Weasley genes for making me go all crazy and protective._ That was the only explanation. _Remind Harry that he's wrong and _then_ come to the realization that you will end up just as crazy as your mother and freak out at a more appropriate time._ I shook my head to clear away the frightening revelations. "Harry, we talked about this. You didn't die. You _almost_ died, but you didn't die." It was just like Harry to play the 'Remember that one time I died?_' _card. He only did that when he was getting desperate. "If you'd really died then you would have spoken to your parents when you were unconscious instead of Professor Dumbledore."

"I still don't get it."

"Rose, what they mean is that Harry was only _mostly_ dead."

"Edward, I will burn you along with our entire movie collection as soon as we get home unless you stop making references to that movie _now_."

Emmett frowned. "But Rosie, what will we amuse the dog with?"

"Look at him. I don't think we have that much to worry about." We all turned around to the forgotten children. Jacob was crawling around on the ground like a bear while Teddy clung to his back leg. Nessie was doing a handstand on Jacob's back, his movements barely jostling her.

"Well that's a new one," observed Esme.

"Besides, Harry, you know better than anyone that you can't raise the dead. Dead is dead." Hermione was the expert in this field, not Harry. He'd just had more experience with seeing and talking to dead people.

Fred raised his hand. "Uh, excuse me? I really hate to stir up any trouble or anything like that, but how is it exactly that Edward died when he's sitting right there?"

"Oh brother of mine, I do believe we've discussed, in some detail I might add, the two chaps sitting to my right?"

Ron snorted. "Well sure, but they're hardly corporeal, are they?" My jaw dropped. Everyone was in shock.

Sirius was the first to recover. "Did he just – ?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, I think he did. 'Mione?"

"Yes, Ron did use the word corporeal correctly. Ron?"

"What! Since when am I not allowed to be as brilliant as you lot?" He was angry. Oh boy.

"Well…"

"Ron, do you really think that you're as smart as Hermione?" There was only one way out of this, and I was taking it. _Someone_ had to remind Ron that he was the dumb one…or at least the dumber one.

"Of course not! Nobody's smart as 'Mione. But none of you have ever beaten me at chess, so clearly I'm some sort of genius." _Get your nose out of the air, you git._

"I think the point is that I died and Harry didn't. Judges?" Edward faced the head of the table expectantly, eager to end this discussion. _And leave, probably._

Moody growled. "No points will be awarded on the grounds that the vampire – "

"My name is Edward."

" – is considered one of the _living_ dead, so really neither of 'em died. Now myself, I died."

Tonks rolled her eyes. "We know, Mad-Eye. We searched for your body for days. You wouldn't happen to know where it is, would you?"

He shook his head, a smile gracing his scarred mouth. "Sorry, cast a disillusionment spell over myself on the way down so's _they_ wouldn't find me."

"But that would've worn off when you, er, landed," pointed out Remus.

"That's what you think, Lupin." We all stared at him in disbelief. Was he really powerful enough to have pulled something like that off? The only sounds were the children (and Jacob) squealing and gnomes cackling as they climbed back into the garden. I was _so_ glad Mum made me clear them out earlier.

Snape yawned. "I believe that leaves the vampire and Potter equally pathetic. Are we finished here? I'd like to get back."

"Get back to what?" asked Carlisle.

"Back to death, obviously."

"I am sorry to disturb your…rest, Professor Snape, but we aren't quite done here. We are still in need of your assistance."

Leah clapped her hands together and squealed. "Oh, goody!"

Emmett drawled out in a horrible British accent, "All right – we'll call it a draw. One point to each knight and send them on their merry way to Camelot."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 5 – We Put the 'Fun' in Dysfunctional**

**SCORE**

**Vampires: 2 Wizards: 1**

**BELLA**

Ginny was glaring at Leah. If a fight broke out between her and Leah, my money was on the redhead. I glanced up to gauge Edward's expression. His eyes were locked on Nessie, but he appeared upset. I knew that reliving his past hurt him, but he was just being stupid, trying to out-angst Harry like that.

"Edward, cut it out. Besides, I'm pretty sure that Bella'll win this one for ya'." Jasper's words, paired with Edward's face, clued me in to the next competition. Carlisle smiled a sweet, angelic smile. This time I wasn't fooled by that innocent look. Dumbledore was staring down at his steepled hands, smirking.

The old man spoke, still focused on his elegant hands. "Hmmm…yes, I suppose that this _would_ be the obvious topic to follow the – what did you call it? 'Angst'? I do believe the ladies would appreciate the opportunity to share their feelings, as it were."

"Carlisle," Esme began, touching Carlisle's shoulder. "What does he mean?"

"I'm sure that you realize each couple has its problems, Mrs. Cullen."

"Of course, Albus. And please, call me Esme."

"Esme. It seems that there are quite a few couples here tonight. Perhaps if everyone was allowed the chance to talk, we could reduce the tension. And if I recall correctly, Isabella was eager to join in." I grimaced at the use of my full name and caught Tonks laughing at me out of the corner of my eye.

Jasper grinned. "See Edward? I told you you'd win."

"Shut it, Jazz."

Sirius frowned, but I noticed that this frown seemed much friendlier than the one that the candy had forced his face into earlier. "I think we need to hear from everyone before we decide that." He was giving Remus his best evil eye. The werewolf paled and ducked to hide in his wife's glowing red hair.

"Well, Jazz and I have been together the longest, so we'll start. Though, I don't think there's anything wrong with us," Alice added in a rather smug way.

"Jacob! Get your furry be-hind over here!" Emmett shouted. Jacob stood up, a small body dangling from each arm. "We're talkin' about whacked couples. That means you're in the running for this one." _Oh no. I am sooooo not ready to have this talk with my daughter._

Jake carried Nessie and Teddy back to his seat with him, cradling their sleeping bodies like he was carrying large bouquets of flowers. "Well if I'm included, then I'd say Carrot Top Numero Uno just got drug into that contest as well."

_Time to get the children out of here._ "Is there somewhere I can put the children to sleep? I don't want to wake them up with any of this." I saw Edward and Jake nodding out of the corner of my eyes. Tonks stood up to grab her son. I carefully lifted Nessie from Jake's warm embrace and followed Tonks into the Weasley's home. We placed our sleeping children in an empty bedroom before returning to the 'party' outside. "That's better. And Jake," I whispered so that only Jake could hear. It was awesome that I could do that now. "You may want to talk to Leah before mentioning anything about yourself."

His eyes widened as he looked at me in confusion. A moment later he broke down laughing and waved a hand to brush off my concern. "Bella Bella Bella. I'm pretty sure there's nothing to worry about." I observed a horror-struck George watch his brother conjure a box of chocolates to present to Leah, who actually blushed in response. I didn't think she was even capable of giggling, let alone _blushing._

"Alrighty then, where was I?"

"Alice, you never even started," drolled Emmett as he slung his arm behind his wife's shoulders.

"Oh yeah. Well, the first thing I remember about my new life is seeing a vision of Jasper. I spent all of my time looking for him, because I knew we were supposed to be together. I found him, and we've been together ever since. I don't think we've ever had a fight, either."

"Never?" asked Hermione. She clearly doubted Alice.

Jasper shook his head. "Well, I am rather tuned in to her emotions, so I know what makes her angry and what makes her happy. And what's the point in fighting when she knows who wins and how to fix whatever we fight about before we fight?" Ron gave an awkward chuckle, causing Hermione to slowly draw her wand. Ginny chirped like a bird, catching Ron's attention. The moment he heard it and saw Hermione's drawn wand he cowered beneath his arms. Hermione, satisfied, returned her attention to Jasper. "Anyways, I think Carlisle and Esme are next."

Esme patted Carlisle's arm and began their story in a nervous voice. "Well, I met Carlisle when I was sixteen. I fell out of a tree and broke my leg. He was the one to set it. He left Columbus soon after that, and I didn't see him again for ten years. That was when he found me and turned me. I haven't left his side since."

"Yeah, you are sort of clingy." Esme actually hauled off and punched her husband. Hard. _She's just full of surprises, isn't she?_ Edward groaned audibly at my comment…or possibly our parents' thoughts. "Rosalie?"

She shot them a pointed look that clearly stated they needed to tell the _entire_ story. "Are you sure you're done?"

"Do you really think they want to hear all of the messy details?" she asked, emphasizing the word 'messy'. "I mean, the whys and hows of my death really have little to do with my relationship with Carlisle."

"Oh really? It's just that I wouldn't want to you to lose to Bella because you omitted something…but then I think Bella would still win anyways, so it's up to you," she cooed. I knew she was mad about the whole bride-costume-thing, but Rose was being a little too much like her old self for my taste.

Esme huffed. "Fine. I was married as a human and my husband abused me. I found out I was pregnant and ran away to save the baby. My son died shortly after he was born anyways and I couldn't handle it so I jumped off of a cliff to kill myself, only the jump didn't kill me. Carlisle was working at the hospital I wound up in and he turned me. Happy?" Edward's grasp on my hand tightened as he undoubtedly caught a few stray memories from before she turned.

My sister swept her hair from her shoulder and gave an exasperated sigh. "Yes, now let's see. I was turned for _that_ idiot there." She pointed at my idiot. I mean at my husband. Edward raised a brow at my thought. "I was clearly too gorgeous for him, so I had to wait around for this idiot here." She swatted at a hand tickling her side. Emmett stopped and stared at her.

"But Rosie, I'm not an idiot."

"You were alone up in the mountains and got attacked by a bear. I call that idiotic. Now, unless the wizards have anybody that's been together for more than three years, I think Bella's next."

Fred managed to tear his attention away from Leah long enough to say, "Nope. Ginny's turn. She's been pining after Harry for what, thirteen years now?"

"No, it was longer than that." George looked like he was counting in his head.

Ron nodded. "Yeah. I think she first heard about Harry when she was about seven."

"I was eight, _thank you_ very much, and I was hardly pining for him _then_." The light blush of her cheeks said otherwise. George raised an eyebrow at her. "OK fine, so I lied. Mum told me the story about how Harry Potter defeated Voldemort and I decided I was going to marry him right then and there. When I finally met him I could barely think around him, let alone talk to him."

"Don't forget the butter dish. I liked that."

"Shut it, Harry. He saved my life second year and I fell helplessly in love with him, but he liked that awful Cho girl. I dated other guys to make him jealous – which worked, so don't even think of making that face at me, Potter – and then we were together for a few months until he left me so he could protect me until he killed Tommy Moldyshorts."

"Hold up – he left you to protect you? Did it work?" I thought Edward was the only one dumb enough to try that. He raised our joined hands in front of my face to show that he could hear everything I was thinking. I kept my hand in his, but I put my shield back up. Ha.

"Sort of. I mean, I wasn't taken captive by Death Eaters or anything, which I think was the thought behind leaving me."

"Ginny, you stole stuff from the headmaster's office and lead a student resistance group at the school against the Death Eaters there. I wouldn't exactly call that being safe." Harry shook his head, amused. I could see the proud look in his eyes when he looked at her.

Ginny snorted. "Well what did you expect me to do? Sit around moping while you ran all over Europe trying to save the world? I don't think so." I could feel the eyes of my family on me, but I ignored them. There was more to the story, but we weren't quite ready to tell them yet. "Hermione, I do believe it would be your turn to profess your love for dear Won-Won."

Ron grimaced. "Please don't call me that."

"It's your own fault, Ronald. Live with it." Hermione's arms were crossed over her chest.

"'Mione, aren't you supposed to defend me?"

"Defend you from your younger sister? What kind of man _are_ you?" Em was upset by the redhead's inability to act like a sexist barbarian. Not that he was like that with Rose, he just wanted everyone to think he was. He was whipped and everyone knew it.

Harry ran a hand over his face, rubbing his temples. "Allow me. Hermione and Ron met on the train and she told him to take a bath. Ron made her cry, so she ran and hid in a bathroom until a troll tried to kill her and Ron saved her. Ever since then, they've flirted with each other by insulting each other. Hermione got a cat and Ron accused it of eating his rat, who actually was the man that betrayed my parents and landed Sirius in Azkaban and me with my aunt. Ron waited until the last minute to ask Hermione to the ball, so she went with an international Quidditch god and Ron got jealous. Ron snogged Lavender and Hermione got jealous. That's about when things got interesting, right?" _And I thought Edward and I had problems._

George stifled a chuckle. "Harry, did you just call Victor Krum a god? Ginny, I believe you've got some competition. You're good, but are you a god?"

Ginny stuck her nose in the air and addressed her brother from the corner of her eye in a very haughty manner. "I'm no god, but I _am_ a goddess of the chase. Didn't we establish this earlier?"

"Thanks. I think that about sums it up." Ron leaned over to peck Hermione on the lips. For some reason, they were both smiling. "Alright, Professor. Out with it."

Remus paled again, and Tonks slapped his shoulder. "Oh no, let me. I had to chase the barmy git around for _two years_ before he realized he was head over tail for me. I drag him down the aisle and we get married. He gets me pregnant and then runs off without a word. Harry had to send him home for me." _Huh?_

"I almost sort of understood what the boy with the fuzzy black head was talking about, but I have no idea what we were supposed to get from that little spiel." Rose hissed under her breath, but Emmett really wanted an answer.

Sirius grinned. "Ol' Moony thought Tonks was better off without him because he's a tad older than she is. Then there's that furry little problem of his. He thought the bun in her oven would come out all hairy and bloodthirsty, you know? So, like he does with anything that's actually good for him, he scampered away with his tail between his legs."

"Thanks Pads. Glad you've got my back," the man grumbled through his hands. Tonks stroked his back to calm him. I hated seeing him like that when he had such a beautiful family. "And I don't scamper."

"Remus, if it makes you feel any better, Edward did the same thing to me. I understand why you did it." Edward growled. When I finally turned to meet his gaze I realized that it wasn't me he was upset with. He was glowering at the person next to me.

Jake put his hands up defensively. "Oh c'mon. I was _there_. Bella is leaving stuff out to make you feel better."

I turned on him. "So then what makes you think you should bring it up?"

"The role I played, obviously. I mean, if it weren't for me, you'd be dead." Here was my savior, the braggy werewolf.

"Actually, the entire pack killed Laurent. It wasn't just you."

"No, but I pulled you out of the ocean when you jumped."

George waved his arm. "Would someone care to explain?"

"Sure, sure. Sorry. Basically, Bella moved to Forks, met Edward, liked Edward, and had no idea Edward wanted to drink her dry. So after she finds out he's a leech and they fall in love and all that mushy stuff, Bella goes all clumsy at her birthday party and starts bleeding all over the place – which, I'm sure you realize, is a stupid thing to do when the only party guests are vampires. Edward goes all caveman and wants to protect Bells, so he makes the rest of the family move out and he leaves her in the middle of the woods. She goes crazy because Eddie left. She falls in love with me because, honestly, who wouldn't? Then she decides to go cliff diving in the middle of a flippin' hurricane and nearly drowns herself. Eddie thinks she killed herself because Rose is a happy-sucking leech, so he goes all suicidal and tries to get himself killed and Bells has to fly to Italy to drag him back home. Bells decides to marry the guy and, because nothing ever goes as planned with her, she gets preggers on the honeymoon."

Sirius blinked slowly. I thought I heard George mutter something about Americans. Rose spoke up. "I have to agree with the mutt. Remus may have been unhappy with the prospect of fathering a child, but Edward wanted Bella to abort their child."

"What?"

"Tonks, please calm down. The only reason we suggested it was because Renesmee was literally sucking the life from Bella. Once we figured out how to keep them both alive, we did everything in our power to keep them both safe." Carlisle was once again in my good graces.

I held onto Edward's hand all through Jake's retelling. He was much better about controlling his regret now. I'd yelled at him enough for it…He caught my eye and winked. "And that's where _Jakie_ comes in."

"Don't call me Jakie."

"Don't call me Eddie."

Alice laughed. "Yeah Jake, you should call him 'Daddy'."

I groaned. I knew that Edward and Jake had come to an understanding that day we faced the Volturi, but that didn't mean that he was any less protective of his little girl. Jake knew that Edward was only trying to embarrass him, but when Nessie was concerned, Jake was beyond caring about his reputation. I think the guys in Sam's pack gave him a harder time about it than he let on. He didn't even let Rose get to him anymore. "Alice, I don't even call Billy 'dad', so why would I call Edward that?"

Hermione was definitely turning out to be the smart one. "I'm sorry, but when you say that Edward is your dad…"

Jake coughed, only slightly uncomfortable. "Well, Bells had somethin' special in the oven, if you catch my drift, and for some crazy reason she wanted me there all the time. Kinda weird, considering that she was happily married to Edward, but I was drawn to her just as much so I didn't really care. Anways, when Ness started chewin' – "

I was glad Edward jumped in. "There were complications with the delivery and I was forced to change Bella as soon Renesmee was born. In the meantime, we discovered why Jacob and Bella were so drawn to each other during the pregnancy."

"Why was that?" Remus looked concerned, but Jake met his questioning eyes with a solar smile – a Jake smile.

"I imprinted."

Leah's attention was fully focused on her leader. Where I expected there to be anxiety or apprehension was a blissful smile. I remembered Jake telling me that Leah had thought she'd never imprint because there was something wrong with her. Now she knew that wasn't true, and she was beyond blissful.

"What in Merlin's pants is imprinting?" _Hmm. That's a new one._

"Ronald!"

"Well I don't know about what's in Merlin's pants, but whatever it is happens to be in Leah's pants right now." Rose laughed at Emmett's joke, as did a few others.

Including my new mother.

"_I told you_," Edward whispered in my ear.

"Strictly speaking, imprinting in nature occurs between parents and offspring, or whoever the offspring regard as a parental figure. For instance, if a human were to care for a young animal, it would imprint upon the human who cared for it. I believe that this type of imprinting is different from what Jacob is referring to, though." Remus raised an eyebrow, catching Jake off guard.

"You mean you don't imprint? Huh."

Remus chuckled. "I think you should explain what imprinting _is_ before I admit to anything."

"Leah? You cool with this?"

"Well, they have to hear about it sometime. Why not do it now? Go on and creep them out."

Yes, because the whole vampire not aging thing didn't disturb them enough to satiate Jacob's love of awkwardness. "Let's see. I think the easiest way to explain imprinting would be to say that it's when a werewolf finds someone they are drawn to and can't live without. Both the wolf and imprintee are drawn to each other. And it definitely doesn't happen between kids and parents."

"Excluding you and Quil, of course. You two are the world's greatest den mothers."

"Leah? Would you care to explain the _rest_ of it?"

She coughed, blushing again. "Sure. Jacob imprinted on Bella's uterus or something, so they wanted to be together all the time she was being killed by the inhabitant of said uterus. Once they got Ness out Jake imprinted on her and forgot about Bella. Aside from Quil, no one else we know of has imprinted on a little kid. Everyone else just dated for as short of a time as possible and then got married."

"So what you're saying is that imprints are…_involved_, right?"George fought back a grin. _So he's finally figured it out, then._ Fred was suddenly very interested in the conversation, though I was pretty sure he still didn't understand how much this conversation applied to him.

Tonks was shaking her head. "That can't be right. I mean, Nessie is so young…"

Jake began stuttering as Edward bristled. He may refer to himself as a lion, but right now he reminded me of a ticked off tom cat. "I – What? – No! – I mean, you don't really think – Edward, tell them!"

That calmed my husband down. "It's alright, Jacob," he laughed, pleased and calmed by his friend's distress. "They weren't implying that anything inappropriate is going on. Besides, Tonks is right."

"I am?" Tonks was confused.

Jake, fully over his someone-said-something-inappropriate-about-me-and-Nessie-and-Edward-is-totally-gonna-kill-me freak-out, explained. "Our case is, unique, I guess. My friend Quil imprinted on Claire when she was two. He is drawn to her like all imprints are, but as more of a big brother – an uncle, even. Anything that brings the smallest smile to Claire's face makes Quil invincible. As long as we keep shifting, we don't age. Claire will catch up to him eventually and, if she develops romantic feelings for him, Quil will quit shifting and they will probably get married and grow old together and make lots of babies. My feelings toward Nessie are completely -"

"- like Bella's. I swear, you're more protective of Nessie than Alice is of Dennis."

"Thanks Em," Alice responded with a grimace. "And where is my little precious?" She looked around in confusion. Hadn't she just had it?

Leah gave a small cough. "Here it is Alice."

"Thanks. Wait – how did you get him?"

Fred ended up choking as he tried to stifle his laughter. "Sorry. Secret of the wizard and all that, you know."

The hat flew from Alice's clutches into Ron's open hand. He raised his other hand, brandishing his wand for all to see. "Mate, you aren't the only one to master silent spells. It's not so difficult." Just then Ginny blinked her eyes and Dennis floated across the table and landed on Alice's head. She smirked and shared a high-five with Hermione. "Anyways," Ron grumbled, "I think someone was getting to why Fred's gone all barmy?"

"Sorry, I thought you would have guessed. Uh, Fred is our newest imprintee. Sure it's not how you'd want to hear it, but welcome to the pack, dude." Jake ran a hand through his hair (a habit he'd picked up from Edward, no doubt) and grinned. That's when I noticed Leah's downturned mouth.

George slammed his fist down on the table and leapt to his feet. "Are you trying to say that some bloke's gone an' taken a fancy to my brother? What in the bloody hell makes you think this is OK?"

"Hey now, Mr. Fancypants. I know the muscles and man-eating tendencies can throw you off, but Leah's _definitely_ a girl. Trust me, I should know." I elbowed Jake in the side. _I love that he's the one that gets hurt when I hit him now._ "Bella! What the – oh." Leah was still frowning, but by now she'd added obscene hand gestures to her bad mood. It looked like she was miming something I'd contemplated when I learned Jake imprinted on my daughter.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Jacob grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, what I meant to say was that I, uh… Ya' know what? Never mind. Forget I said anything." His pathetic attempt to take his words back failed miserably. Fred was scowling at the werewolf. I scowled at Fred. Hermione scowled at me, but I didn't notice until Harry jabbed me and pointed over my shoulder.

She jerked her head in the direction of the vampires, gesturing with her eyes that I should do something. What did she want me to do? Instead of leaving me to stumble over my words, Ron repeated his request for clarity. Jake made to clear his throat, but the other werewolf finally composed herself and cut him off.

"Thanks Jake, but I think you should stuff a sock in it, ok? Fred, is it? No not you, the other one. Yes, you. Now I'm only going to explain this once, so listen up." Fred shifted closer to her while George's mouth froze into a downward position. He didn't like being pushed aside. "Alright. I imprinted on you, Fred. So here's what's going to happen. Either you like me or you don't. What is it?"

How dare she give my brother an ultimatum? _Who does she think she is?_ She just met him, for Merlin's sake! Ron leaned around Hermione and nudged me. His horrified expression told me we were thinking the same thing. This could only end badly – Fred and George never let anyone tell them what to do.

Unless Mum was angry, that is. Nobody messed with an enraged Molly Weasley if they valued their life.

Fred broke from his stupor and turned to George. "Do you remember when Wood came up to us Second Year and told us we had to go out for the team or he would tell McGonagall that Peeves went nowhere near the dungeons the day everyone in Slytherin house grew forked tongues and they couldn't talk for three days?"

"Yes, but I don't think that – "

"Of course it isn't the same, but we were awesome beaters."

_Cough_. "Are you saying that I'm trying to blackmail you into liking me?" Ha. Take that stupid werewolf. Edward was laughing at me again. _Well? Is she as flaky as she seems? He doesn't need that._ I couldn't help but think about that air-headed witch that Angelina Johnson set him up with. I never thought it would happen – someone actually wanted a Weasley for their money.

_Tramp_.

"Leah, just cool it before you scare him off, alright?" This was the first I'd seen Jacob actually look menacing. He looked like a big teddy bear while he played with the children, but now I could see something of the primal leader in him. Clearly he was accustomed to getting his own way.

Emmett felt is time to add his few Knutts worth of thoughts. "You know what? I think it may be better if she gets her crazy out now, so he knows what he's getting into." Bella shot a look at Rosalie, who grinned wickedly in response.

That was when all of Azkaban let loose. Fred leapt onto the table in defense of his dark-eyed beauty and cast a nasty liver-colored hex in Emmett's direction. For some unknown reason, the spell made contact with his skin, sparkled, and bounced towards Tonks, who deflected it towards Alice, who ducked. The spell went through the hedge, scattering the garden gnomes already gathered back inside of the garden. Remus went to restrain Fred, who was by this point crawling along the table in another attempt to reach Emmett. George came to Fred's rescue while Alice ran to keep Rosalie in her chair. Edward's hands were covering his ears in a poor attempt to drown out the internal shouting of the group. Hermione was shouting at Ron, who had fallen from his seat from laughing. Esme was urging Carlisle to do something, and Sirius was attempting to hold a conversation regarding rogue unicorns with Dumbledore over the din. Harry and I looked at each for lack of anything else to do. His mouth was hanging open.

"Jasper, do something!" Bella shouted.

"AHHHH!" Jasper had his hands over his ears like Edward. "Everyone just _shut up_!" The anger in the yard was tangible for a moment. I gripped Harry's hand, trying to contain the unexplained fury I felt building in my chest. That was when I felt a wave of calm sweep through my body. I knew that Jasper was trying to control our emotions, but this time I was grateful for his gift. We were clearly an unstable group.

"Thank you, Jasper. Fred? Would you care to take a seat? Remus, I believe you may release Mr. Weasley now." Dumbledore, collected as always, folded his hands and answered a hushed Mad-Eye.

Snape gawked (it was really more of a blanch, being that it was Snape, but then ghosts never really pale, do they?) at the assembly as they returned to their seats. He watched as Jasper stormed out of the yard while Alice made apologies. "You're all mad." During all of the commotion, I think everyone forgot about Snape and Moody. They didn't seem to care.

"Of course we are, Sniv, or did you just figure this out? I'm afraid that death doesn't quite agree with you, old chum." Sirius leaned his chair onto its back legs and propped his feet up on the table.

"Snape – just shut it, alright? We couldn't stand you alive, and believe it or not you're even more obnoxious dead. Leah? Get over here." And just like that, Fred had a werewolf sitting on his lap. _What would Great Aunt Muriel think of Dad permitting _another_ wolf in the family?_ Though neither Bill nor Leah were like Remus, so I suppose it didn't count. She would throw a fit anyways.

Leah made some sort of contented noise from my brother's lap. I gagged. "Now," she began as though nothing had happened, "where were we before this started?"

Emmett mumbled something I didn't catch, but his wife smirked and flipped her hair over her shoulder before reminding us that we were discussing how we knew that Fred was not imprinted on by a man. I expected Leah to come back with some snarky comment, but she was lost in the depths of Fred's eyes. George was silently attempting to control the rise of bile in his throat. Moody ghosted through Snape into the seat previously occupied by Leah, giving her his seat. I suspected the love at the table was putting him on edge – his aggressive tendencies were provoked by things he didn't fully comprehend.

Edward raised a hand to call our attention. "After we vote on this, I think that Leah should be replaced due to her emotional involvement with Fred. No, I'm not saying we should send you home." _No! No! Send her home!_ Edward smirked at my internal outcry. "I just think that she's become more _involved_ in this than she was supposed to. We should pick a new judge."

Esme agreed. "But who shall we pick? Leah was the only one everyone would agree on."

"Let's deal with that later. The non-vampires could use some sleep."

"Darn right, we can. Leah, we should probably check in with Seth, too. Poor kid's gotta be losing his mind."

"You're right. So from what I heard, I know who I'm voting for. I mean, it's really down to about three people, right? What about you two fine…?" she trailed off, not knowing what to call Moody and Snape.

"Tonks, I don't know what you went and got yourself into this time, but you're the craziest witch I know for marryin' that one. And how on earth did you let him leave you like that? Didn't I teach you anything?" He went on to describe the many ways a woman could hold onto a husband against his will. Tonks took this as seriously as she could, but I could see her laughing. I wondered if Lupin was taking this as well as his wife. "I vote you."

"Thanks, Mad-Eye. I'll remember that for the next time."

Snape drawled out something rather insulting to half-breeds and the entire werewolf community and eventually agreed that Lupin and Tonks deserved each other. We took that as his vote.

Leah smiled and nodded along with the two dead men off to her side. "Remus, no matter how idiotic all of these other guys are, you have to be the dumbest." Sirius moved to defend Lupin, but Harry held him back. Personally I would have liked to see a fight between the dog and the wolf. "I used to feel like you did – that I would never have someone to love. Tonight I found out I was wrong, and I can never willingly give this up. As much as I wanted to put this one on Bella and Edward, you get my vote." Remus nodded and pulled Tonks close to kiss her forehead.

_Wow_, I thought to myself. She didn't put up with shite from anyone. Maybe we could be sisters after all. The best part was, without that obnoxious giggling, she was nowhere near as _girly_ as Fleur was. Tea with the wives would be interesting, because when I thought about how little Fleur and I could relate, it paled in comparison (literally and figuratively) to how myself, Fleur, Leah, and Hermione (if Ron ever got his act together) would look together. Yes, we could make this work as long as Fred kept his mouth shut and behaved.

As usual, it was too much to ask for. "Did you just confess your undying love to me?" She slapped him across the face. Fred, who I was sure was accustomed to being slapped by those of my gender, actually howled out loud in pain. I could see where her hand had left a white mark, which quickly turned a shade of red that rivaled his hair.

Leah wiggled her fingers in front of his face. "Werewolf, remember?" She kissed his cheek and jumped up from his lap. "Anyone have a phone we can use? I need to check in with the baby brother." Jake borrowed Edward's phone and the two walked to the back corner of the yard to place the call. It was a good thing Dad was asleep inside, or he would have fought to tear the phone apart and figure out how a "felly-tone" worked. I heard Jacob raving about bars, whatever that meant.

"Hey guys?"

"What is it Alice?"

"I thought that Dennis was supposed to be picking the winner. He didn't have any say in the last two picks."

Moody ruffled his proverbial feathers and slammed a ghostly fist down on the table. He wasn't fazed by the fact that his fist simply passed through the table and the desired effect was lost. "We're the judges and we all agreed on the decision. Now yeh either abide by our rulings in silence or yeh find new judges."

"While our roles are up for debate, I suggest we award a point to Ms. Weasley for not pining away when she was abandoned." _No_. "It seems to me that the other two became something of a miserable wretch, though it is beyond me how one could come to care for half-bred miscreants that way. Besides – no proper lady would rely upon a man so entirely that she could not survive on her own." _No. This isn't happening._ Harry's wide eyes met mine, telling me he was thinking the exact same thing. _That is just sick and creepy and –_

"Severus has a point, though I must say that it is only the part 'bout livin' her own life that I care to acknowledge. A point to Ms. Weasley, then."

"But all three judges have to agree before points are awarded!" cried Alice. She was blissfully unaware of the implications of that single point. Harry knew. Sirius was guessing, and Remus was deep in thought. Maybe he'd caught on as well.

Snape exhaled loudly and turned his evil eye on Alice. "Ms. Cullen, I do believe that it is we who are being inconvenienced in being forced to judge this absurd competition and not you. I would much rather return to my eternal slumber, but it seems that you and your silly hat believe otherwise. Now, if we may continue so that we can be done with this as soon as possible, I would be most grateful. Until that time, I would appreciate your silence on the matters of any decisions made by myself or Mr. Moody."

Before Alice could retaliate and wipe that nasty grin off of the bugger's face, Dumbledore coughed loudly. "About our new judge. I forgot to mention earlier that, should you chose a muggle, we can always bring them here and _obliviate_ them later." Dumbledore steepled his hands with a smile. I was mildly shocked that he wanted to use the charm so loosely, but then he seemed to have bigger plans for this gathering than he was letting on.

"Hang on, what does that exactly mean?" Esme's voice was hesitant, unsure of what they would be getting themselves into.

Jake and Leah returned finished with their phone call and returned to the group. "Does that mean what I think it means?"

"_Obliviate_, Jake. Not _obliterate_. It wipes their memory of a certain event, right?" Harry and Ron glanced at each other and burst out laughing. I quirked an eyebrow and Harry mouthed a name I'd completely forgotten. _Lockhart_. _That coward._


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 – Vampires Don't Eat Fig Newtons**

**SCORE**

**Vampires: 2 Wizards: 3**

**BELLA**

Only Dumbledore lingered with the us in the quiet yard. Jake went inside to check on Nessie and then left with Leah to 'flee the stench'. No matter what we told him, Jake had to see Nessie sound asleep with his own two eyes before he left her. The wizards all went in to catch up on their sleep. Harry's absence also meant the absence of the ghosts, for which I was rather grateful.

We spent our time processing this new culture, as well as the issues we'd brought to the table in the past few hours. It was a lot for even our minds to sort through. Albus and Emmett got into a heated discussion on magical theory. Carlisle, of course, begged for samples of healing potions to take back with us to try and replicate on a scientific level for hospital use. Albus politely ignored his request and changed the topic so smoothly that I nearly forgot Carlisle'd asked him for something.

Rosalie, naturally, got bored once Emmett began asking questions like 'If we wanted to hunt dragons, would their blood do funky things to us?' She broke into the locked shed in the back yard and consequently discovered the plans for what she decided was a flying car. She was eager to discuss the plans with Arthur when he woke up. Basically all we could do was wait for everyone to wake up. I was starting to realize how Edward felt when he stayed with me each night… Or at least the rest of his family. He seemed to have gotten some perverse satisfaction from listening to me as I sleeptalked.

To amuse myself I practiced lowering my shield with Edward around. I'd gotten pretty good about keeping the shield down for prolonged periods of time, but we soon found out that I was easily distracted. Touching helped amplify his ability to hear me, much like Nessie, but as soon as he was able to hear my thoughts we both had to struggle with the fact that he could hardly keep his hands to himself. Those stupid hands of his did things to me that Charlie will _never_ hear about. He would touch me and immediately know I how that made me feel, what I wanted to feel, and then he just went with it. All pretenses of control were long gone – I was now the one telling him to let up. _Wasn't that what I'd wanted? Huh._

Besides all that, we had to come up with a new judge.

I tentatively reached for Edward's hand, hoping he wouldn't hold this against me. While I had ruled him out earlier, there was only one person I could think of to bring here. I felt like we owed the poor boy an explanation, after everything we'd put him through. My husband's head whipped around and I followed the swishing movement his hair made rather than meet his eyes. I noticed his head was tilted to the side, wanting to hear more. He considered my proposition and nodded. Edward turned to tell the others our idea, but before he opened his mouth there was a crack and a scream as yet another body fell from the sky. A sickening crunch pervaded the air, catching the attention of each of us. I couldn't smell any blood, making the situation minutely more bearable for Jasper. Edward tensed and cautiously met the wizened wizard's twinkling eyes.

"My dear boy, did you think you were the only one able to read minds?" I narrowed my eyes at Dumbledore as I stood and slowly made my way over to the terrified human. He reeked of fear, and I wondered if he'd always smelled this way. Obviously my senses were weaker when we were in school. He was trembling, but I'm sure that he was unaware of that. It wasn't from the cold, I was sure, because he was wearing a baggy pair of pink Happy Bunny boxers that said, "Try Me" and a grey long-sleeved tee. I crouched down a few feet away from him as he rubbed his shoulder. I heard Albus mutter a spell under his breath and watched as the injured arm healed before me. _Good. No blood._

Those blue eyes met mine with uncertainty, fear, and finally recognition. His eyes raked over my transformed body. Mine rolled while Edward growled possessively. Everyone at the table stilled as they waited for his reaction. "_Bella?_"

"Hey, Mike. How's it going?" _Maybe this wasn't a very good idea._ In hopes of keeping Mike alive, I shielded his mind from Edward and Jasper. He growled again, unable to keep tabs on the lecherous thoughts of 'Vile Newton,' as he called him. It was the only way I knew to protect him from my family. Maybe Mike would learn to behave himself once he knew the truth – at least before we erased his memory.

He looked around for the first time since arriving, taking in his surroundings with wide eyes. I could hear the rapid pounding of his heart as he surveyed my family. His eyes rested for a moment on Edward, who was glaring at him even though he was the one who agreed to bring him here. "Bella?" Mike whispered through the side of his mouth. As if it would really help him. "Bella, who is that man with the pointy hat?" He met my gaze and frowned. "Were your eyes always that color? I thought they were green or something."

"Mr. Newton, why don't you come seat yourself next to me. Don't worry, I don't bite." I shot an icy glare at my snickering family and placed a reassuring hand on his bare arm. He flinched away from my cool skin. I glanced helplessly at Alice, who I knew would be the best to present him with the overwhelming amount of information he needed to perform his duties. She nodded and bounced over. Mike was too shocked to move.

"Hi Mike. There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to tell you. Don't worry; you'll be fine in a few minutes."

"Huh?"

"We're vampires."

"What?

"We're vampires."

"You're joking."

"Nope. We're really vampires."

"Vampires? Nuh-uh. You guys went t-to school – you we-were out in the daytime."

Emmett laughed. "I know. Weird, huh? I wonder why we did that."

Jasper jumped right in with the taunting. "It was almost like we were trying to fit in with our mea – I mean fit in with the humans."

"What on earth were we thinking? They could have stabbed us with pencils or something!"

"Or chased us around with garlic bread!"

"And those fluorescent lights! We could have melted!"

Emmett slapped the table, causing Mike to leap into the air. "That's it Carlisle," he boomed with a serious face. "We can't go to public schools any more. It is far too dangerous for our well-being to play human."

Esme's good humor was running low. "Emmett, Jasper, I think that's enough."

Edward nearly leapt at the chance to torment the human and defend his brothers at the same time. Before becoming a vampire I was never really exposed to this boyish behavior. As much as I hated to see Mike suffer (seriously, though) I loved watching them play off of each other. "But Esme, we shouldn't have to hide who we truly are. Bella loves me just the way I am. I shouldn't have to hide my true colors."

"You mean your sparkles?"

"No Alice, his colors. Men do _not_ sparkle." Jasper spat that last bit out like he would human food.

Edward nodded in thanks. "Exactly Jasper. Now, I propose that we start a school for vampires. The wizards have their own school, so why shouldn't we?"

"Wizards? Huh?" We ignored Mike.

"Yes Michael, wizards. That man in the pointy hat there did a little dance and summoned you from the sky." Emmett was waving his hands around over his head in some absurd gesture that he assumed would summon something. He stopped and frowned. "I suppose I can't do magic, then. Hmph."

Now I was curious. "Edward, what would we learn at this school? I mean, it's not like we could ever graduate or anything. Or is this more like a finishing school?"

"Check this out, Bella. Edward teaches Drama, since we all know he's awesome at that. He can do Music, too, I guess. Jasper teaches the ever famous 'How the West Was Lost' course. Alice teaches us all how to dress fancy, I coach wrestling, and Rosie's got Shop. Oh, and uhhh, you can teach everyone how to act human by tripping and getting hurt and stuff."

Jasper shook his head. "I'm going to go straight past that atrocious comment about myself and my homeland and go straight the fact that you two forgot a rather important detail. We can't have a school for vampires because every day would be 'Bring a Human for Lunch' day."

Rose waved her hand in Mike's direction. "Easy – we find small snacks like Fig Newton over there."

Mike was horrified…and apparently unaware of the turn the conversation took while he was preoccupied thinking. "But Bella! You married _him_! Did you know about this?" he hissed.

"Mike, unlike you, Bella possesses the rare ability to actually get to _know_ people she likes before throwing herself at them. She's an odd one, but then I think you know that. Do you really think that she is so incompetent as to have married me and not known that I was a _vampire_? Now, we brought you here because we need your help with something. You see, we – " Edward cut off as Mike wrapped his hands around his neck, shrieking, "Don't eat me! Don't eat me!"

"Don't you know anything about vampires?" huffed Emmett. "We don't _eat_ people, we _drink_ blood. _Cannibals_ eat people."

Albus coughed loudly, trying to control the situation again. He gestured for Carlisle to fill Mike in. I returned to my seat by Edward as Mike was guided to sit at the opposite side of the table next to the wizened wizard. Carlisle explained an even more abridged version of the Cullen history for Mike. He began shifting nervously when Carlisle explained everyone's powers to him. His eyes danced nervously between Edward and I. Still, Mike claimed that he didn't believe any of it. Alice leapt to her feet and dramatically picked our table up, broke it in half, and flung the two pieces out of the yard. Albus summoned them back with his wand and repaired them in a matter of moments. _If only vampires could do magic. Maybe we wouldn't have to buy clothes and furniture so often…_ No, Alice wouldn't like that at all. Mike's jaw dropped as he stared at the man sitting next to him.

Alice composed herself and tartly stated, "The future goes blank pretty soon, so I assume everyone will be waking up in a minute or two. Either that or Jake and Leah are coming back. They heard me break the table."

Mike brightened up at the familiar name. "Jake? Don't I know him?"

"Yeah, I forgot you two know each other. You met when we went to First Beach and –"

"Yeah! He was that guy you brought on our date!" Movements from inside the house caught our attention and Alice bowed in mock humility.

_This guy is such an idiot._ "First of all, it wasn't a date and you know it. Second of all, yes, Jake was the one who went to the movies when you got everyone sick. Lastly, I am shielding your mind from my husband at the moment. If you don't cool it, I'll let him hear everything you're thinking." Edward was _loving_ seeing me put Mike in his place. I raised my eyebrow in a menacing manner and he decided to 'go see if Renesmee was awake'. _Liar_. He only called her that when he was sucking up.

Eager to regroup and catch up on what had passed last night, Molly prepared breakfast at near vampire speed and served her groggy underlings in the backyard. Sirius was the first one to appear (literally appeared at the breakfast table. Unfortunately, the seat he chose was now occupied by our newest addition. Sirius appeared, Mike screamed bloody murder, and everyone in the house woke up with a start. Molly thanked him for saving her the trouble of dragging the kids out of bed before preparing him a plate of food.

"Sorry mate, but the seat's taken." Mike, normally one to put up a fight about what he considered 'his property', moved to the seat reserved for him at the head of the table. I couldn't wait to see his reaction once the other judges returned. "You should have been here last night – wicked party. Molly, might I congratulate you on a breakfast most pleasing to my overly sensitized sniffer?"

Edward came out next, struggling to prevent Nessie from vaulting from his arms. "Momma, what smells so good? I'm starving."

We all looked to Mike, who was oblivious to the present danger he was in. He would never see what hit him. Edward wrapped his arms around our daughter in a tight embrace and sat down at the table. I pushed the hair from her alerted eyes and leaned in to place a kiss on her forehead. "Just hold your breath, sweetheart. Try to forget about it."

She shot me an incredulous look, as though I had said something incredibly stupid. "Momma, I'm not _thirsty_. I'm _hungry_." Edward loosened his hold and Nessie sat quietly on his lap. She sniffed the air once more and her head whipped around toward Mike, who was shoveling food into his mouth as quickly as Sirius. "Daddy, who is that?" Mike finally looked up and noticed that someone was pointing at him.

"His name is Mike. He went to school with your mother and I," he whispered quickly, low enough that Mike didn't hear.

With a mouth full of food, he asked, "Did she just call you 'Daddy'?" Edward nodded. "Bella? Did you know about her before you got married?"

Seriously, I don't know how the city of Forks permitted this guy to get a diploma. "No." I could almost hear the light bulb turn on over Edward's head. His low groan had turned to a silent chuckle in a matter of milliseconds. I knew his plan as soon as his fingers began twitching on his lap. He still held on to Nessie with his left arm, but his right was slowly creeping away.

I looked away and concentrated on Mike's words as the hand made it's way towards my left knee. "So he's got this illegitimate kid, and he doesn't tell you about her 'til after you get hitched?" My legs slammed together and I slapped Edward so hard it sounded like a shock of thunder. He was laughing to the point where Nessie was bouncing on his lap. I glared daggers at him. Then, just like that, I knew he'd won. He'd distracted me and I'd dropped my shield. He met my eyes with a sobered expression and turned his best stink-eyed expression towards Mike, who cowered in his chair. I could only imagine what was passing through their minds right now. Nessie reached for my jaw and asked me if she was allowed to talk to him. I nodded, proud that she was overcoming the terminal awkwardness I'd passed on to her.

"I don't know why you would suspect that I am illegitimate. Everyone tells me I look just like Momma and Daddy."

"Mike, I didn't know about her when we got married because she wasn't born yet. Who do you think her mother is?" Molly made her excuses and went back to the kitchen to put on more food.

"Woah woah woah, are you trying to tell me that you had a kid! Bella, I was at your wedding, and you sure as _heck_ didn't look pregnant." My overly possessive husband growled at Mike's thoughts as they both pictured me in my wedding dress. The others were stumbling through the doorway now, complaining about a noisy ghoul in the attic. Fred was looking around the yard, anxiously trying to find Leah. "There is _no way_ that that kid is yours."

That was the moment that Teddy ran to join Nessie for breakfast. He smelled bacon and shifted his face into a short pig snout. Nessie applauded and they dug into the feast. Tonks and Lupin joined us on our side of the table in order to keep track of their son. We saved a seat for Jake near the twins, and one was added for Leah. Fred traipsed into the garden to "check for gnomes" and ran back with two stacks of folded clothing.

"These are Leah's clothes! Where is she?"

"Don't worry, Freddy-boy. Jake and Leah ran off a few hours ago to catch some z's. They should be back soon." Emmett grabbed a bowl of apples and proceeded to mash them into apple sauce that he wouldn't eat. I remembered how much I loved to eat it when I was human, but now it looked like baby vomit.

"Hold the floo – they ran off together…without _clothes_? When I see him…" At that point, all Fred had to do was turn around and he could see both Jake and Leah, still in wolf form. Jake's hulking mass towered over the red head. The lean grey wolf, now much bigger due to her new pack ranking, stepped forward and nudged Fred between the shoulder blades with her nose. Her hot breath created a halo of steam around Fred's head.

"Fascinating," breathed Remus.

* * *

**GINNY**

Fred leapt around, whipping his wand out with a speed that rivaled Mad-Eye. When he saw the thing I assumed was his new girlfriend, he froze. She dipped her massive head down in his direction, causing him to step back. She gently picked up the forgotten clothing with her giant teeth and left with Jacob to go change. "I – that wasn't – oh, Merlin's beard… What have I gotten myself into this time?" He ran his hand through his tussled hair as Mum stalked over to him.

"Frederick Weasley! What on earth are you doing?" Mum chose this moment to reappear from the house and notice Fred ruffling up his hair even more than his pillow had accomplished to.

"But Mum! I – she – that is, we – " He towered over her, yet he was reduced to a blubbering child in her presence. _Or maybe that was from his girlfriend…_ I was bouncing with anticipation as I waited for Fred to tell Mum what happened after she and Dad went to bed.

"Sit down by your brother now and stop antagonizing the guests."

"Mum, you don't understand – "

"Fred, why did you have my clothes? I don't suppose you realize how difficult clothes are to keep track of in our line of work, do you?" Leah stepped out (she was fully clothed and back to her human self, now) with her hands on her hips. Mum clearly read more into the words than were implied and stood there fuming with a jam ladle in her hand. Fred was still gasping like a grindylow out of water. Leah's eyes swept over the gathering and noticed the new addition. "And why is that guy here? Jake, isn't he the one you wanted to eat a while back when you busted Bella out of school?" Jake snickered and nodded. Emmett gave him a high five, and I noticed Edward was trying to hide his face behind his hands. The shaking gave away his laughter.

Bella gestured to the American, explaining that his name was Mike and that he was to be Leah's replacement. He blanched as Bella outlined his relation to the family. Alice's laugh tinkled over the low din of the breakfast table. "I didn't realize that everyone found Mike so appetizing. It seems like the only one who didn't want to eat him was Bella!" All of the vampires laughed as Bella hid her face in her hands. Edward rubbed her back soothingly, but he couldn't seem to wipe the smirk off his face.

Pulling herself together, Bella regally rose from her seat to address everyone. I envied the way she carried herself. "OK, listen up." She pointed at each person as she addressed them. "Mike? Edward and I are _most definitely_ Renesmee's parents. Pretty much my entire family can vouch for that. Fred. Vampires and werewolves smell bad to each other, so Leah and Jake left to avoid the smell. They don't keep their clothes when they change, so calm down. And Molly, I'm just going to come out and say that Leah has imprinted on your son and that if you ever plan on having the in-laws over…well, change your mind and plan not to. Most of them are less mature than Teddy." With that she slumped down in her seat.

"Hey now! That's not – "

"One word Jacob. Paul."

"Fine then, you win this round…_Mom_. But just remember that if your dad keeps at it with Leah's mom like he has been, you're going to be even more a part of the family."

Instead of the words calming anyone, the table was in an uproar. An hour later, after Mum had stopped threatening the wolves and Edward and Jacob had stopped threatening Mike, and George and I managed to convince Harry to eventually summon back Snape and Moody in order to scare Mike, and Mike had gotten over the fact that he'd soiled himself when the ex-wizards appeared on either side of him, glowering, we were able to resume breakfast. Jacob and Nessie looked like they were doing their best not to have an eating contest, and Teddy and Sirius were throwing things across the table at each other. Remus was red in the face from shouting at the both of them to stop. Despite Dad's attempts to calm her down, Mum was still glowering at Leah, who was sitting on Fred's lap at the other end of the table. They were feeding each other. I slapped Harry to get his attention and jerked my head in Mum's direction to try and communicate my intentions to him. We were in need of a distraction.

His eyes widened in fear and his head shook back and forth erratically in an attempt to stop me. "Please not now – your mum will lay a hippogriff and your dad will…"

With a large smile on my face I called across the food laden table. "Remus?"

"Yes Ginny?"

"Is Sirius to blame for Harry's poor manners?" Harry kicked my shin under the table. I kicked him back. Harder. I realized that this would be awkward, what with a coven of vampires and a few more werewolves than we normally kept in our company, but I couldn't wait any longer. My hands slid into my pocket.

"What do you mean?" He watched as Teddy imitated Sirius launching food across the table with a spoon. He frowned when he saw that Emmett was quickly mashing ammunition for him. "Ah, yes I suppose he would be the one to blame. Why?"

Ron tugged on my sleeve like a toddler. He was still eating, so his words mixed with the mash in his mouth. "Wha' 'oo mean 'Arry go' ba' manner'?"

"Seriously, Gin. I _haven't done anything wrong_." The full force of those dazzling emerald eyes was not lost on me, but I wasn't caving now.

I grinned maliciously. "Harry, did you even ask Dad's permission?"

Dad didn't hear me, as he was in an animated discussion with Rosalie about something. Naturally, Mum heard. "What didn't Harry ask your father's permission about?" Her voice was sweet, yet we all heard the insinuation sneaking around in there. Harry paled and Edward slapped the table in laughter. I smirked and pulled Harry to his feet. _The guy who defeated the darkest wizard of all time is frightened of my mum._ Although she _did_ totally destroy Bellatrix…I winced at the name and moved on, slugging Harry in order to get him to speak.

He coughed. "Ah, well, you see the thing is – I mean I meant to do this earlier, but then everyone showed up and then Fred and – "

With my hands still hidden in my pockets, I slipped on the ring I'd been hiding. "Harry and I are getting married!" I squealed. Dad turned around in time to grab Mum's shoulders as she broke down in hysterics. '_Two of my babies in one day!_' Fred whimpered at the thought of being grouped in with the engaged group. Hermione slapped Ron's angry person before leaping to her feet to give me a big hug. She was the sister I never had, and I was more than happy that she was here to contain Ron. Everyone else clapped their approval and congratulations (Sirius clapped Harry on the back so hard I feared for his life) before making their way over to pass us around for hugs. I was startled to find myself in the grips of a frigid vampiric hug – they passed me along so quickly I wasn't sure who the arms belonged to.

When I found myself face-to-face with Leah, I decided that it was my move to make. I hugged her and welcomed her to the family. Maybe it was a bit premature for that, but I knew deep down that she and Fred would be good together. Plus, I was convinced that Bill and Charlie would adore her – she would bare the grunt of Mum's wrath when it came to aesthetic presentation. Leah hugged me back and it was then that I realized that she was hot. I mean warm. She was pretty, but I mean that her temperature was warmer than ours. And the vampires were cooler…temperature wise.

I turned around to find my _fiancé_ and gasped when I saw him at the bottom of a literal dogpile. Remus and Sirius had him squashed into the ground. Teddy didn't want to miss out and leapt on top, howling again. Harry was yelping, but Sirius didn't stop messing his hair. "Now mate, we did this with James and there is _absolutely_ no way that you are getting out of this. It is a ritual. If Moony here hadn't eloped, we'd have gotten him too. Stop trying to get away!"

Tonks sidled up to me as we watched our men wrestling. "Makes you wonder, though."

"What?" I asked, not taking my eyes off of the mass of testosterone.

"Well, if James was the only they did this to, how is it tradition?"

"I dunno. Maybe it's just one of those Marauder things we'd best not look into."

"Right you are, there."

Harry had managed to slip out from underneath Sirius and was scrabbling for his wand. "Didn't I ever tell you two how much I _hate_ being attacked by dogs?" He was shouting, and Remus stopped in time to grab both his son and Sirius. Harry lowered his wand and Sirius became defensive.

"Since when have you _ever_ hated me? To think – your own beloved godfather. I do believe I'm offended."

Harry's head shook as he quickly made his way to my side. "Uncle Vernon's sister, Marge? The one I accidentally blew up? She used to have her dogs chase me up trees when I was little. If they kept me up there for more than a few hours she gave them my dinner as a reward." The image in my mind made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. _Nobody hurts Harry Potter and gets away with it, not if I have any say in the matter._

Mum insisted that we all return to the table and try to finish our breakfast, which was long cold by now. Nothing a simple heating spell couldn't fix, though. Harry and I sat down together, our hands clasped. He smiled at me and mouthed 'thanks'. I knew he'd been dreading telling my family. It seemed like months ago that he'd proposed to me at the muggle theatre. The way Fred and George were shaking hands conspiratorially led me to believe that they'd helped him put my ring in the chocolate frog. It was good to have everyone know.

I knew that Harry hated being the center of attention, so I decided that now was the perfect time to welcome Leah into the family – Weasley style. I only hoped that she could handle it. I pinched Ron and filled him in on the plan. At the last minute it occurred to me to ask Edward for his opinion, since he already knew our plan. He nodded his head in a manner that only we who were watching noticed. I grinned and called out to George. "Oi! George! When d'ya think we should throw a party to celebrate? Should be a great time to introduce Leah to the rest of 'em, yeah?"

Fred's eyes widened as he caught on. He gripped George's arm but his hand was shaken off by his excited twin. "Well I think everyone should all be around for the holidays. Right mate?" Fred shook his head emphatically, confusing the nargles out of Leah. "Yeah, I bet Bill and Fleur'll come out for a few days, 'specially if Fred's got Leah here. He'll want to meet her quick."

Ron took over next. "I reckon Bill'll like her enough, but what about Charlie? He tends to wrestle dangerous…er, beings."

Leah looked around in confusion. "I suppose I understand Billy, but why are we bringing Charlie into this? I mean, he's not exactly family and – "

"What do you mean Charlie isn't family? Of course he is!"

"No, he isn't. Just because he's dating my mom doesn't make him –"

"Charlie is dating Leah's _mom_? When did this happen? How much older is she?" Ron was on the edge of seat, his elbow in the butter dish. Hah!

Bella's face scrunched up in confusion. "Actually, Charlie is older than Sue, but I don't see how that has –"

George shook his head. "Wait wait wait. Are we talking about the same Charlie?" The names "Charlie Swan" and "Charlie Weasley" were shouted at the same time. "Well then that explains it. Besides, Bill hates it when people call him 'Billy'."

Fred stammered out a response, but no one understood him. I stepped in for him, the blubbering idiot. "Bill's the eldest of the Weasley children, and then there's Charlie. Wait – you don't think ol' Percival will grace us with his presence, do you?"

Ron guffawed magnificently. "Don't be so naïve, Ginny. Mum brought down that evil bi-Bellatrix, that is. Surely she can drag old cauldron bottom in for Christmas."

Mum was about to scold us, but Jacob held a hand up to catch our attention. I was embarrassed to have left their group out of the conversation, but if anything they were amused at our antics. "So hold on, you guys have older brothers named Billy and Charlie? And Harry's dad's name was James, and your mom killed some evil chick named Bella?" He and Bella shared a glance and burst out laughing. We didn't get it. Remus asked to be let in on the joke. "Well, my dad's name is Billy, and Bella's dad is Charlie. And Billy's pretty much head of the tribe that's scared stiff of the Cullens, so…I mean it's funny. Harry was Leah and Seth's dad. And, oh yeah, James was some psycho vamp who tried to kill Bella."

Edward grinned maliciously. "And I'm the one who took care of James."

"Actually," piped Emmett, "Jasper and I did the hard part. You just tore his head off." Harry's face was one of sheer horror, but Rosalie was petting her husband for his comment.

That was when I noticed the sick blonde boy hurling in the garden. _Oh yeah. I forgot about him_. Bella and Edward shared a glance, and asked Leah something I couldn't quite make out. She nodded and there was a flash. Instantly the sick boy was gone. _And he never got to meet Mad-Eye or Snape. Pity_. The next moment another crash as a huge mass fell through the air, possibly squashing whatever gnomes had returned to the garden. I could only hope.

"What the – Jake! Leah? Can you guys help me out here? I need clothes!" Leah jumped to her feet and grabbed the pile of male clothing Dumbledore had summoned for our latest arrival. She stood just outside of the hole in the hedge that led into to the garden, giving the naked man back there privacy to change. Much more of this and I was sure I would retire from Quidditch and go into public relations with the American Underground. They were far more interesting than quaffles, but then I will never admit that outloud. Edward chuckled. _Curses_. "Thanks Leah. I was running patrol around the Cullen place when – what exactly happened? Where are we?" The owner of the voice strode into the yard, and I could only guess that the two were related. Aside from the matching complexion and stretched, muscled frame, they shared the same eyes. This one was taller, though. "Everyone, this is my little brother Seth. Seth…that's everyone."

"Hey, Seth. Come join the party! This food is about as good as Esme's cooking – no offense, Esme." Harry squeezed my hand before summoning the other judges. They moaned and groaned about having to come back, but only Esme listened to their complaints.

"None taken, Jacob. Though I'm sure that what I prepare is nothing like a meal prepared by someone who actually _consumes_ what they make." She was trying to butter Mum up, and it was certainly working, judging by the red shade of her face.

Seth moved to sit at the head of the table, barely shedding a glance to take in the spectres at either side of him. He was lifting a fork of food to his mouth when he paused and sought out his sister, who was once again on my brother's lap. "Is that him?" He asked Jacob. A nod, and then, "Fred, you have quite frankly saved my life. And the sanity of everyone back home, for that matter."

"Seth, don't – wait, you didn't tell the pack, did you? Please tell me that Sam doesn't know about this." There she was talking about Sam again. I really wanted to know about that. _Ex-boyfriend, perhaps? Edward?_ It was nice that he would answer my questions like this, so I didn't have to keep butting in like everyone always accuses me of. I hated being labeled the stupid little sister. He wobbled his head back and forth, as if he couldn't make up his mind. Then he frowned and shook his head. _Alright, I'll ask later._

"No, Leah. They know somethin's up though, since you and Jake disappeared with the Cullens."

"Actually," Dumbledore corrected, "they portkeyed here before she disapparated."

"Ugh, right. But anyways, why don't you want them to know? I kinda thought Sam would be happy for you." He began eating and a look of pure bliss covered his face as he tasted Mum's bacon.

Her face contorted in a scowl. "You mean Sam would be happy for himself."

"Leah, don't start this up again. Not here. It can wait for another time." There was no compromise in Jacob's voice. She nodded and buried her face in Fred's neck. He wrapped his arms around her in a comforting manner, and Seth stared like he couldn't believe his eyes. George mock gagged again and had Seth snorting egg out of his nose.

Everyone who was eating finished quickly and Mum cleared the table with a wave of her wand, impressing our guests. Jasper clapped his hands together, asking what was next on the agenda.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 – Just How Black is Black?**

**SCORE**

**Vampires: 2 Wizards: 3**

**BELLA**

"Well, first we have to decide who the better William and Charles are. I have to say that I think the Weasleys are cooler than your dads, you two."

"No one was asking you, Alice." Who was she to say that Charlie wasn't cool? "I mean, Billy is a tribal elder in a wheelchair and Charlie is chief of police." Alice raised a single eyebrow in challenge. "Fine then – go on and pick the dragon-slaying one."

Ron piped up from across the table. "Well he doesn't kill them unless they have to be put down. Charlie runs a breeding program in Romania."

After much more agonizing debate on the subject, the judges finally had to step in. Because it had been Jasper's idea to try and win more points by counting each name individually, the wizards gained three points for Bill, Charlie, and Bellatrix. According to everyone but Snape, the James we knew was far more imposing than Harry's father. Harry won a point for being him, and thwarting death more successfully than Harry Clearwater. Quite frankly, their duplicates were in better shape than ours…

"I believe that the next event has been chosen for us. You've already mentioned the similarities in the names of people you know, but there is a final pair you've neglected. And they are sitting right here." Dumbledore sat there looking at nothing and everything all at once. When no one moved, Dumbledore turned his gaze towards Sirius, raising an eyebrow ever-so-slightly.

Sirius cocked his head, looking very much like a dog. "No offense intended, but I do believe that I'm the only Sirius here."

Jake shifted at my side. "Hey, isn't your last name Black, too?"

"Please don't remind me. I can say that I'm the only Black I know that I haven't wanted to throttle."

"Sirius, I'm technically part Black," Tonks reminded him.

"But your last name isn't Black, which makes you more Tonks than Black."

Jake shifted again. "My last name is Black." There was a tangible silence as everyone compared the two Blacks. Jake was tall, lean, tanned, and well-muscled. Sirius was pale, older, thinner, and shorter than Jacob. The only thing they had in common was their dark hair, giving them both a scraggly appearance.

By now we were used to the drill, and also tired of monologues, so Carlisle suggested that they both compare random facts about themselves and what made them unique.

"Ugh, I turn into a wolf."

"So does Remus – that's nothing new. Now me, I turn into a dog, and that is all skill, my young friend. Pure skill."

Jake folded his arms, leaning back into his chair and propping his feet up on the table. Esme chided him, but he ignored her. He was in this to win. "Perhaps, but I turn into a wolf because it is in my blood. My ancestors became wolves when the tribe was threatened by vampires. My turning into a wolf is my duty to my people, not something I do to amuse myself."

"Right," barked Sirius. "I wouldn't have become an illegal Animagi if it weren't for Remus. James and I decided that our friend needed company when he changed, so we spent the better part of four years learning some rather advanced magic in order to help him out. Like I said – skill."

"Alright, I'll give you that. If I had a choice back when I first changed, I wouldn't have wanted to become this. Now…" Nessie climbed into Jake's lap and wrapped his arms around herself in a blanket. "Now I'm pretty glad I'm a wolf."

Teddy, watching this, ran to the other side of the table and climbed up into Sirius's lap. "Unca Paddy, whatcha talkin' 'bout?"

I stifled a giggle with my fist. "Uncle 'Paddy'? Where did that name come from?"

Tonks leaned forward into the table to better see me. "Teddy has trouble saying 'Sirius', so he call's him 'Paddy'. It's short for 'Padfoot,' which is what he goes by when he's up to no good."

"Das right," said Teddy, wearing a very serious face. He was so cute.

"OK, I've got a question," said Alice. "We know all about how Jacob's forefathers were tribal chieftains. Sirius, what about your family? Any royalty there?" A groan sounded from down the table (most likely from Remus) and Leah made a gagging sound to voice her disapproval of Jake being the 'chief'.

Sirius also leant back in his chair, stroking his stubbled chin. His head tilted back and a deep sigh found its way from his chest. Teddy poked him in the arm, telling him that he best answer the question. "I don't know that there were ever any Blacks on a throne, but they certainly did think of themselves as royalty. Suffice to say that if the Black family had its way, none of the rest of you would exist. They would have started with the bloodtraitors, so the Weasleys and Dumbledore would be gone. Then they would go after the Muggles, so Harry, Hermione, and Tonks would never have been born. Then they would go after the half-breeds, meaning all of you vampires and wolves, although they would have killed the Muggles first so maybe you would have died then, depending on when you were bitten or whatever. Either way, only the purebloods would be left, interbreeding and fighting with each other."

Whether it was solemn looks on all our faces or the constrictinging of Sirius's arms, Teddy spoke up to lighten the mood. "Uncle Paddy gives me rides on his back and lets me play doggie with 'im and telled me he's gonna teach me to fly broom like Harry an' Ginny an' Ron. Right Unca Paddy?" Sirius laughed and hugged the little boy closer, telling him he sure would teach him to fly. Tonks' hair turned color, but she bit her tongue.

And then the Edward part of Nessie, the part that was blind to outside influence and refused to be proven wrong took over. She didn't know what she was doing, but I'd seen Edward play this game enough that I saw it coming from a mile away. My shield was up, so I'm not sure that even Edward knew what was going to happen. I braced myself for a fight, praying that she would take it easy on the poor boy. "Jakie gives me rides, too, but he's bigger than Sirius when he shifts. And most times Jakie takes me hunting and he always lets me drink first before he eats anything," everyone cringed at the mental image of the two of them hunting but she carried on unaware of how uncomfortable she was making people feel. "And he promised he'd take me cliff diving when I'm old enough, but I will do better than Momma did."

"Excuse me?" Jake shrugged his shoulders and tried to bribe his way out with that smile of his. It didn't work for an instant, but Teddy rose to Nessie's challenge.

"Oh yeah? Well Unca Paddy was in Azban."

"It's Az-ka-ban, Teddy, and I'd really rather not – "

"Well Jakie almost got killed by some really bad vampires."

"Unca Paddy almost gots killed by Dentors."

"Jakie rides a motorcycle."

"Unca Paddy _flies_ a motorbike."

"Motorcycles can't fly."

"Unca Paddy's does."

"No it doesn't. Stop lying."

"I'm not lying! It does so fly."

"Does not."

"Does so."

"Does not!"

"Does so!"

"Hey! That's enough out of you two!" Sirius stood up, carrying Teddy around the table and stopping behind Jake and Nessie. "I want you to apologize to each other."

"Fine."

"Sorry."

"Sorry," mumbled Nessie.

"Better. Now, I think I know how we're going to solve this. Jacob, stand up and walk five paces that way."

Jake reluctantly stood up, depositing Nessie in the vacant seat. Teddy joined her, sharing her chair as he watched the two men face off. "I know what you're thinking, but I don't think that's a –"

"Relax, Jacob. They're wizards – they can repair the clothes," Edward informed him. Leah gave a triumphant cry. I knew that she was the most self-conscious of her limited wardrobe. Fred's skills would definitely come in handy around La Push.

I leaned into Edward, whispering so that only our family could hear. "They aren't going to wrestle, are they?" He chuckled and shook his head, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that this was turning into a pissing contest.

Sirius counted off. "Ready? One…Two…Three!" Clothing shredded and fur flew. That is, Teddy sprouted fur and vaulted over the back of his seat. Remus expertly caught him in midair, allowing us to focus on the competition. Jake shifted the fastest, and he was by far the larger of the two. Sirius was about the size of a normal wolf, though without the distinctive wolf-like features. For all intents and purposes he was a large dog. I was surprised to notice that they were so differently colored. As humans their hair was nearly identical, but Sirius' fur was pitch black. _I wonder why Jake's fur isn't black…_ The two sniffed at each other, though Jake made Sirius look like a chew toy. The latter stepped back and surveyed the shredded clothing on the ground with what appeared to be amusement. His face scrunched in concentration, and a few seconds later there stood Sirius the man…fully clothed. He bent down and picked up a torn shoelace, swinging it back and forth in front of Jake's face. Jake rumbled a growl, making Sirius laugh. "You may be bigger, but how inconvenient this must be for you," he smirked.

"Tell me about it," mumbled Leah. "If it wasn't for my being around, I'm pretty sure the guys would just run around naked most of the time."

"Yes, them running around half-naked is a great improvement," I teased.

"If you had to see everything I did, you wouldn't be joking." Someone gasped, and I looked around to find Molly fanning herself, her eyes raised to the sky, shaking her head. Leah noticed this and tried to save the situation. "It's not like I _want_ to – you try sharing the communal mind of eight testosterone-driven teenage werewolves. It almost makes me feel sorry for Edward, but then I remember he's a jerk and I get over it."

"I get the picture," cringed Fred, "no more, please."

"Alright, now how about we get back to us?" Sirius walked right up to Jacob and began trying to man-handle him back to the garden. "That's right – go put your clothes on like a nice little boy. Can't have you running around in your birthday suit. Leah's face would shrivel up, Fred would get jealous, and Edward has this fear of bare bums, you see… That's it, run along." Jake's muffled growling turned to his latest form of swearing – quoting things that drive people crazy. It started out as a way to clean up his language for Nessie, but when he saw how much it aggravated Alice and Emmett, he kept at it, though Emmett was only frustrated because Jake managed to quote things that Em was unfamiliar with.

We heard was a series of 'Frelling flambijambit's, though I have no idea what came next because Emmett stuck his fingers in his ears and started humming loudly to drown out Jacob. I found this strange because Emmett usually followed up this outburst by insulting Jacob in Simmish. "And someone get me some shabadoo pants!" A pile of clothing floated into the garden and we heard the fabric rustle as he dressed.

"I must admit," began Lupin, "that it is rather refreshing to see Sirius handle someone else that way. At first I thought it was just me…"

Sirius examined his nails as he sat down. "And if it was just you I handled that way?"

Jake's reappearance cut off Lupin's reply. "You know, you really shouldn't get up in a wolf's face like that if you plan on keepin' yours." Sirius waved him off, making some comment about him not being a real wolf. "Says the Chihuahua."

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I've failed to apprehend the meaning in that lowly American insult."

"Why don't I spell it out for you? F – U –"

"Jake," Edward warned.

"Yes, listen to your future father-in-law and quit pestering me so we can all vote me the winner."

"Who says you win? Just because you think that you had a couple of bad-asses – " _JAKE!_ " – in your family, that doesn't mean that you win."

* * *

**GINNY**

And then he snapped faster than Ron could break a wand. "Look – I get it, OK? I understand your need to prove how you're the big bad guy, how you're the one who got hurt out of everything. But you _know_ that everything worked out for the best in the end. Me? I ran away from home at fifteen because my own _mother_ would not claim me as her son. I spent thirteen years in prison for the murders of my _friends_, one of which was the person who actually killed all of those people. I had to break out and live in hiding with a wanted hippogriff, who is far more flatulent than people give him credit for. And when the remainder of the only real family I've ever had was in trouble, what did I do? Nothing. I had to sit around and twiddle my thumbs and hope that no one got hurt because I would have actually caused more trouble by helping out. So don't even try to play the pity game with me, _boy_, because you don't know what you're talking about."

Everyone was silent…everyone but _Snape_.

"Don't forget to mention that time that you tried to kill me. I'm sure they would be interested in _that_ part of your pathetic life."

Mum leapt to her feet. "Albus, this has gone on long enough—it's time someone puts a stop to it. I—"

"You're quite right, Molly. Judges?"

Snape, naturally, voted for Jacob. Moody voted for Sirius, if only because he wanted to make Snape angry. Seth, though, surprised everyone by voting for Sirius. He said that he still owed Jacob for all of the grief they'd had to put up with from him over the years.

Emmett was convinced that he should be awarded a point because he could lift a boulder and throw it further than anyone he knew. Ron then transfigured a twig into a boulder and sent it soaring into the next county.

The rest of the day flew by as the contest took on a more twisted nature, and Mum and Dad were forced to take Teddy and Nessie out of listening distance.

Carlisle was unanimously nominated the most suicidal among the group, even counting Bella's obsession with becoming a vampire and Harry's innate ability to cause people to want to kill him.

Edward helped out their side by winning points for being what Jasper called the 'most stalkeryish boyfriend ever,' and for creeping everyone out when Jacob told us how he'd tried to convince Bella to abort their baby. Really, who would even _think_ of offering their wife away for sex? _That's just wrong…_

Fred and George won us points for being the most enterprising, because Alice cheating the stock market didn't count, for some reason.

Jasper won a point for killing the most vampires.

He could also make people feel very…_good_. So suddenly that there was no doubting his prowess.

Hermione survived looking a basilisk in the eyes.

I was possessed by Voldemort and released the basilisk.

Harry killed the basilisk and a horcrux in a single night.

Bella drank blood when she was still human.

Ron puked up slugs.

Rosalie provided the most entertaining jokes regarding men and canines, which all very much appreciated by our side.

Hermione accidentally turned herself into a cat.

Remus and Sirius helped invent the Marauder's Map.

Dumbledore was the most sexually deviant.

Esme somehow had the smuttiest mind.

Bella fended off an army of vampires.

Harry fended off an army of dementors.

Hermione figured out—while we were all seated at the table in the backyard, mind you—that the Teletubies were actually the figureheads for a secret, underground society of Squibs. Apparently they knew that the Deathly Hallows meant something regarding blood-status supremacy (no doubt they'd heard stories of Grindlewald from their families) and were slowly trying to fight for a higher status. As the only members of this society were Squibs, they hadn't really managed to accomplish anything other than a thriving marketing franchise geared towards Muggle children.

She won two points for that one.

Dad almost won a point for having the strangest hobby, but then Alice explained how she and Edward often moonlighted as fortune tellers at carnivals to see how many people they could make scream. Collecting plugs simply does not compare.

We could have gone on into the night, but the vampires/wolves plead the "Mercy Rule," because the scoreboard eventually read:

**Vampires: 11 Wizards: 24**

Oh, the sweet, sweet taste of victory.

Carlisle stood up slowly, nervously running his fingers through his hair. "Well, I suppose that's that, then?"

"Hehe, I don't think so, Carlisle. Ron seems to think there's one more thing that needs comparing, and I'm inclined to agree with him." Edward gestured pointedly to his blonde sister.

Hermione slapped Ron. I shot her a questioning glance before reading the expression on her face. Harry must have caught it, too. "Fleur," we all said knowingly.

* * *

**DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNNN! Hope you enjoyed this - I know I had a lot of fun writing it!**

**~The Kerl  
**


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